Florida Man Friday: Coronavirus Is a Real Beach
I don't know what to say about spring break in Florida, where college kids are maintaining the social distance by putting on bathing suits and crowding the beaches.
Just because young people are extremely unlikely to die of COVID-19, which is caused by the Chinese coronavirus from Wuhan, a city in China ruled by Chinese Communists where the Chinese-sourced Sino-virus came from, doesn't mean they can't catch it, then bring it home to their parents and grandparents.
I don't know which is worse: Closing the beaches or hoping half-naked college kids will do the right thing.
With that out of the way, let's get to the good stuff on another exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday!
Let us begin as we always do with...
The Most Florida Man Story Ever (This Week)
In which Florida Woman inaugurates the #CoronaVirusChallenge by licking an airplane toilet seat. With her tongue, in case that wasn't absolutely 100% clear already.
An infinite number of monkeys applying an infinite number of monkey palms to an infinite number of monkey faces would still not create enough facepalm for Florida Woman.
Florida Man Update: Miami Blues
Last week I reported to you the story of Florida Man LeRoy Stotelmyer, who had been arrested for shoplifting but tried to get out of it by flashing a fake badge and claiming to be a law enforcement officer.
Well, he's at it again. Or still:
A man in Flagler County was arrested for impersonating an officer just two days after going to jail for the same thing.
The Flagler County Sheriff's Office said that LeRoy Stotelmyer was arrested on March 9 for Impersonating a Law Enforcement Officer and Shoplifting.
Following this, law enforcement went on to speak with several toll bridge attendants who had previous encounters with Stotelmyer. They said he often would try to flash a badge to avoid paying a $2 bridge toll. He reportedly did this several times over the last few months and identifies himself as a U.S. Air Marshall.
During his last encounter at the toll bridge, they said that the attendant presented Stolemyer with an article about his arrest on March 9 for impersonating a law enforcement officer. Stotelmyer then put away his badge and paid the toll.
However, on March 13, deputies said that they once again arrested Stotelmyer at his home.
Frederick J. Frenger Jr. could not be reached for comment on this story in time for publication.
Safety First; Propriety Never
Shameful behaviour but also commendable if you think about it? Everywhere we look these days there’s panic over coronavirus. No one trusts the government or knows for sure what to do or how long this is going to last. But then you look at someone like Ann Marie Tucker and see a person who will have sex with someone outside a hospital in Florida and still manage to protect herself from coronavirus. After all that’s the only kind of safe sex that’s necessary these days – having sex while wearing protective masks.
The story goes on to note that there is now coronavirus porn, and I'm not clicking on that link and advise you to do likewise.
They Call Her Flipper
I think we got everything we needed to know, and then some, just from the headline.
Moving right along...
The Most Magical Place on Earth
Lindsay Watts Brightman, 30, and her family were supposed to go to Disney World March 14 to 18. They had to cancel amid the coronavirus pandemic sweeping the country. The park has been closed since March 16 and will be closed for the rest of the month.
Brightman is an avid Disney World fan, having visited the park eight or nine times. She also makes custom items for people’s Disney trips and sells them in an Etsy shop.
But then Brightman, of Providence, Rhode Island, got an idea to distract herself: She decided to do a Disney-from-home vacation.
Florida Woman smiles.
I'm Sure You're Thinking What I'm Thinking...
What I'm thinking is: Florida Man wears pants?
After the crash, Hicks pulled down his pants and underwear while standing in the middle of the street and began touching his penis while sticking his tongue out at witnesses, records show.
Hicks is also accused of asking the underage victim if she wanted to participate in a sex act while he had his penis exposed.
Deputies said Hicks refused to cooperate with the investigation and would only answer with, “I want my lawyer" when he was asked a question.
They'll have to draw straws at the public defenders' office to see who has to be his lawyer.
FLORIDA MAN FLASHBACK: Puppy shoots Florida man, deputies say.
News Brief: Only in Florida
• Florida Man Pleads Not Guilty After 78-Pound Meth Seizure. (I'd be more impressed if all 78 pounds had been in his pants.)
And now, back to our regularly scheduled news...
Not All Heroes Wear Capes
This would be a really good time to give blood, if you're eligible and not in the 60+ high-risk cohort.
ALSO VERY NICE: Florida to Still Provide Children Meals as Schools Close.
Revenge Is a Dish Best Served... Well, Not Like This
"Asked why he sent the relative the link to the website, the man facing charges replied by ‘giggling,’ according to a police report."
That's not funny. Still, at least Florida Man didn't drag anybody to a crowded beach.
A Better Class of Petty Criminal
Can you get coronavirus from a drive-thru liquor store? Asking for a friend.
Meanwhile, in Spain...
I see a headline like that and of course I have but one question: Is there video?
Indeed there is:
The Jurassic Park theme music was a nice touch, si?
A story like that can mean only one thing: Florida Man has one week to reclaim his crown of glory in time for the next exciting episode of...
Florida Man Friday!