Last month, a comedy team from the Netherlands launched the very first “America First, My Country Second” video, and it was a smashing success. Many other countries have done their own, and PJ Media has compiled 16 of the most hilarious ones, from worst to best.
Fair warning: The Muslim World, Mordor, and Mars are FAKE NEWS countries, but their introductory videos were just too wonderful to be ignored. Enjoy!
Since Melania Trump is from Slovenia, they had to get their country on the list! “Pure Slovenian genes … and Albanian plastic surgery” — ouch!
Also hilarious: “Our country is only 25 years old now, so you should totally date her. You can even grab her by the pussy. By the way, that’s our prime minister — great pussy.” And yes, the word “love” does appear in “Slovenia.”
15. The Muslim world.
Okay, okay, the Muslim world is not a country. But still, this video is hilarious. “Every Muslim country in the world loves America. especially Somalia, Iraq, Iran, Sudan, and (since Obama) also Syria, Libya, and Yemen.”
Also, the KKK-ISIS comparison was hilariously on point.
“Germany has the best history,” the narrator says, over an image of Adolf Hitler. “Germany hosted two world wars in the last 100 years. They were the best world wars in the world. And we won both of them, bigly. Anyone who says anything else is fake news.”
Naturally, they did build a wall, and the Russians did pay for it!
“You guys have Conan, but we have Borat.” Enough said.
“Our love for America started at an early age — we were the first nation to recognize the United States.” This is true — but then comes the kicker. “And just like you, we had one of the best slavery businesses in the 17th century!” Ouch!
Also, the bit about the $12 million loan to Hillary Clinton being intended for Hillary Duff — brilliant!
Perfect attack on the Netherlands: “What are you people? Netherlandish? Dutchlings? Hollandrians? It’s stupid. Make up your mind, the Netherlands!” I seriously want to call Dutch people “Dutchlings” from now on…
The manly bald eagle mating with the feminine mute swan … SWEAGLE BABIES! “It would be the best bird.”
Two highlights: “Everybody learns Luxembourgish, German, French, and English — not Spanish. Only Mexicans speak Spanish.” And, of course…
They built the fortress of Luxembourg to keep out immigrants — in the 15th century! “It’s like a wall, but around the whole country. It’s beautiful and very effective, and a total truth.”
Finally, “if you want to destroy Luxembourg anyway, this is what it looks like on a map.” Cut to a map of Switzerland — ouch! So…
How about those sexy mountains, huh? And “just look, no Mexicans here!”
Also, getting the Vatican Swiss guards in there to say “we have the best military,” even the Pope says so, was perfect. Not to mention…
“We invented Brexit. Switzerland was never part of the EU. It’s true.” Then come the wonderful alternative words: Schwexit, Swixit, Helvexit, or Switzerleave. PERFECT.
Also, Jaas is a real Swiss game — my Swiss friend has tried to teach it to me. Of course, it’s Trumpf card has to be named after Trump…
Iran’s video is perfect, because it does not even try to say “Iran second” at the end — just “Iran before Iraq.”
The response to concerns over “our missile-related activities” was perfect. Have you seen the Iranian car, literally called the “Pride?” It was so small, the airbag would literally break your neck. “So you would get killed by the safety measure.” If “this is the peak of Iranian engineering … it is more likely that the missiles fall on our own heads.”
Comparing Trump to Ahmadinejad is a bit much, however — even if the “alternative facts” bit was certainly on point.
“We’ve been watching a bunch of terrible videos of countries from around the world asking to be second. Bad videos, terrible videos. We, on the other hand, are amazing at being second,” India declares. Perfect — and they are second: in population, in pollution, in everything!
But the best part is the “ancient manual, the Kamasutra, which lists more than 245 ways to grab someone by their pussy.” Bam. Inventing the zero is nothing compared to that…
It is an absolutely grand “alternative fact” that Lithuania is “in the center” of Europe, but it is 100 percent true that they “totally destroyed those nasty Germans … before it was trendy to destroy nasty Germans.” Yes, Lithuania really was the biggest country in Europe 600 years ago. Deal with it.
As the first European nation to impeach its president, Lithuania offered its services to Trump — on how to avoid impeachment.
Armenia gets props for coming up with the “alternative first” tagline, and for calling Turkey and Georgia “fake” countries because their names copy an American state and the American Thanksgiving symbol — Perfect!
Also, “We were the first nation to become Christian, because we wanted to avoid the Muslim ban. Smart!” What a hilarious selling point.
In the era of “alternative facts,” one of the smaller countries in Europe becomes “the biggest country in Europe.”
The best part, though? Austria is “the marketing powerhouse of the world.” Why? Because Adolf Hitler was born in Austria — “But, uh, who got the blame? Germany! Take the fame, but push off the blame.”
This Lord of the Rings spoof is “terrific.” Not only does Mordor have a huge wall, but it has Two Towers, while Trump only has the one. Sad.
“You have the NSA, we have a big eye that sees everything. It’s fantastic. Total observation.” Oh, and the fires of Mt. Doom? They’re “as hot as your daughter.”
Naturally, the planet named after the god of war has to insult every other planet in the solar system (Uranus? Disgusting. If it was your pussy, then we could talk.) And the problem with Earth? “There is way too many Mexicans. You know where there is no Mexicans?”
Another Mars selling point — they have great storms. Just ask Matt Damon. But they also have a longer year, “so you can be president twice as long.”
“Just in case Earth is destroyed in 2 years and 31 days” (because no one’s counting) “we just want you to know you’re always welcome on Mars.”
Oh, and the border wall with Mexico? It won’t work. “Planets are round. We know, it’s weird. That means the Mexicans can go around the wall, from Canada.”
And finally, the best video so far…
1. The Netherlands.
Yes, I know it’s easy to say the first is the best, but hear me out. This video has everything — William of Orange (who really was the Netherlands’ “founding father”), the best ponypark in the world, and a wall.
“This is the Afsluitdijk,” the video explains. “It’s a great, great wall that we built to protect us from all the water from Mexico. In fact, we built an entire ocean, ok? An entire ocean between us and Mexico. Nobody builds oceans better than we do. This ocean, it is so big, you can even see it from the moon. And we made the Mexicans pay for it, it’s true.”
There’s also Madurodam, the “greatest miniature town in the world.” Its best selling point? “The squares, they are so small, you don’t even need many people to fill them, it’s great.” Ouch, but very well played.
Finally, this video was the first to announce “we’ve got a great, great, great dependency on the United States. It’s yuge. If you screw NATO, you’re gonna make our problems great again.” LOL.
So yes, the Netherlands’ video is the best, even if those Dutchlings can’t make up their minds as to what their name is. Still, each of these videos is great, and I hope you loved them. If you disagree with my ratings, feel free to sound off in the comments.