Culture

Your Summer Riot Beer Guide: Best Cheap Brews in Towns Most Likely to Burn

(AP Photo/Tsvangirayi Mukwazhi)

Beer For My Forces

Summer is here, and we know what that means: MAYHEM! Tearing apart the country gives those non-binaries of Antifa a mean, mean thirst. There is nothing I like more after a day of violent rioting peaceful protesting than a good, cheap, local amber fluid, provided we haven’t burned down all the mom and pop bars. Heck, who am I kidding? Why buy beer when those local merchants OWE ME. 7-Eleven is now nothing more than a BLM pitstop. Target has been sacked so many times that it is probably reconsidering its ironic name.

So here is a city-by-city breakdown of the most lootable brews in the most burnable cities.

Detroit

My hometown! Detroit is no stranger to danger. We had a big riot in ’67. By the mid-1970’s, we were having them yearly. My mom had actually taken to calling springtime “riot season.”

This is a two-way beer tie. Nothing reminds me more of sitting under my grandparents’ apple tree on the Motor City’s west side, listening to the Tigers with my grandfather on his transistor radio, and stealing occasional sips of his six-course lunch than the taste of  Carling Black Label. I always have a case in my home to this day and I give them to my East Coast brother for Christmas. I even collect vintage Black Label swag.

Several years ago, Stroh’s wisely brought back its Stroh’s Bohemian Style. This is what grandpa drank when he and grandma took my brother and me to the Warren Ave bars to get day-time hammered. Bonus if you drink it from a large “boomba” glass, which will later double as righteous projectile.

Chicago

Whether you’re in Chicago for a riot or just the weekend “Celebration of Lead,” you’re probably on the South Side–and that means you’re drinking Old Style. I’ve had plenty of these over the years and they never disappoint. I was almost in a South Side bar fight when I went to snag an Old Style with my former in-laws and a local soaker accused us of being NORTHSIDERS. What followed was a flurry of insults in three languages, two of them Eastern European.

Baltimore
Room to destroy, room to party! I’m not sure Baltimore isn’t ALWAYS rioting. There is so much violence in the Fells Point neighborhood that local business owners have threatened to not pay taxes if something isn’t done.

I was day drinking in a Fells Point bar once when a Corona beer surfboard slid down and clocked me in the noodle. The bartender offered me a free beer so that I wouldn’t sue the joint and I said, “Natty Boh me!” National Bohemian is Baltimore’s barley pop. Every dive bar has it. I once wanted to dress as the Monopoly-looking “Natty Boh guy” for Halloween but couldn’t figure out how to pop out my eye and not leave a hole.

Philadelphia

For the City of Brotherly Combat, I’m going to recommend Yuengling, the beer that sounds like a panda. I started drinking this beer 27 years ago when I was working at a comedy club in Lancaster, PA, home of the Amish. Don’t ask for a Yuengling, ask for a “lager” so the locals won’t know you’re a tourist rioter.

Cincinnati

I used to be the spokesman for, and still LOVE, Little Kings Cream Ale. This delicious morsel delivers a happy 5/5% ABV in every eight-pack. They have new flavors, but I’m a purist. BONUS: The seven-ounce bottles fit easily in your pockets and can be used to throw at riot police.

Seattle

Long before the shieldmaidens of Antifa donned their battle lashes and sacked Seattle, Rainier was the beer of fishermen and greybeards. Now it’s hipster tipple. Ranier has become so swish that is making an alcoholic seltzer to cat fight with White Claw. Drink it for its past, not its present.

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I’m sure there are towns with beers I’ve never tasted and stories I’ve never heard. My comedy tour schedule is picking up so please leave your sudsy recommendations in the comments below. And keep your beer head on a swivel because the commies aren’t sitting down this summer. Some dirt bag will get shot fighting cops and the fun will be on for another season!