Writer Freaks Out Over People Eating Delicious Chick-fil-A: 'They’re Eating Fried Chicken SPITEFULLY!'

A Canadian publication, The Star, has printed an unintentionally hilarious editorial by a very disgruntled LGBTQWTF writer, Andrew Wheeler. Mr. Wheeler is very upset. His outrage and dismay have been caused by your love of delicious chicken from Chick-fil-A. How dare you??? In an essay entitled “Chick-fil-A is ideologically opposed to my existence,” Wheeler rails against the insensitivity of people who love chicken and waffle fries because it hurts his feelings, or something.

This past weekend I saw something that made me unexpectedly queasy; a young woman slurping soda out of a fast food cup.It upset me because it was a Chick-fil-A cup.

Chick-fil-A is an anti-LGBTQ2 organization, not just because the founder publicly opposed same-sex marriage (he believed in a “biblical definition of marriage,” which doesn’t exist), but because company profits are donated to charities that oppress and marginalize queer people, especially queer youth.

I don’t know what LGBTQ2 is, and I don’t want to know. What I do know is that Wheeler here has never read a Bible. If he had bothered to even try, he wouldn’t have had far to go. The definition of marriage is in the very first book, in the second chapter: “Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24  It’s not hard to discern what this means. What it doesn’t say is what bothers people like Wheeler the most. It does not say “Therefore a man (or non-binary trans-alien furry) shall leave his fathers or mothers and hold fast to the otherkin of his choice.” Now THAT is not in there. Despite that, your personal and deeply held beliefs must change to satisfy this whiny guy.

Luckily for Wheeler, none of us want to force him to read or believe the Bible, like he wants to force us to stop reading and believing it. We just want our chicken sandwiches and diet lemonade without having to wade through screaming protesters. (Although, as he points out, that won’t stop us either.)

LGBTQ2 activists protested Chick-fil-A’s opening on Friday, but people were happy to cross the protest line. Some also tried to tell the protesters that they weren’t bad people. A lady yelled, “You think I’m homophobic? I have gay friends.” One man told me he voted for Trudeau. A smirking guy hiding behind large sunglasses insisted that McDonald’s is just as bad.

I bet it would make Wheeler’s head explode if I told him that I have gay friends... who eat at Chick-fil-A! And they don’t hate themselves, they just love fried chicken. But I will agree with Wheeler that the smirking guy should be arrested. Where does he think he is? A free country? It’s Canada.

Wheeler went on to expose the real goal of Chick-fil-A, which is not to provide excellent and cheerful service with a side of the best dipping sauce on earth, but a dastardly plan to hurt gay children. “Buy a meal from them, and they’ll use your money to increase the suffering of queer kids,” claims Wheeler. There really are people who think that Chick-fil-A executives sit around a smoke-filled board room devising ways to make gay children suffer. This has to be some kind of mental illness. Wheeler continued, “I will not support a company that is ideologically opposed to my existence, and that uses the money spent there to campaign against my existence.” That would be a surprise to the survivors of the Pulse Nightclub in Florida who were met by Chick-fil-A workers handing out free food and bottled water in the aftermath of the shooting. Or the protesters who staged a kiss-in at a Chick-fil-A and were offered free lemonade. It’s almost as if Chick-fil-A wants to serve everyone some of its scrumptious offerings.

But maybe it’s not the company that Wheeler really has a problem with. No. I think it’s you. Your’e an a-hole.

Of course, people are not just going to Chick-fil-A to eat fried chicken. They’re eating fried chicken spitefully. They’re defiantly standing in line with all the other freethinkers because they’ve been asked not to. They know that going to Chick-fil-A hurts queer people, but they’ve never thought much about queer people before and they’re not going to start now. It’s a strange form of identity politics where the identity is “a--hole.” The line to get into Chick-fil-A is the a--hole pride parade.

This is the whole reason why the LGBTQWTF mafia is never going to win over rational people. They want to force you to agree with them on every single issue and they think they’re going to get there by insulting and canceling you. If you don’t celebrate their existence (instead of ignoring the attention-seeking activists) they want you punished, silenced, shut down, shamed, and unable to put food on the table. Wheeler has these inner fears that people hate him and don’t want him to exist and so he acts in a way that makes normal people hate him and not want him to exist. It’s not because he’s gay. It’s because he’s the a-hole who can’t even let people like a chicken restaurant of their choice.

When it comes down to it, there are lots of people who have lots of beliefs that are foreign to us. They’re allowed to have them. And it’s none of my business what those beliefs are. I wish a bunch of people didn’t exist, like communists and those people at the mall who try to put a straightening iron in my hair as I’m walking by. And yes, the LGBTQWTF outrage mob. I wish they didn’t exist, mostly because they are the ones hurting queer kids. They are making it very difficult for the majority of straight people to give a crap about the plight of gay people. Most of us just want them to shut up now and get back in the closet because they're annoying. When you try to shame people for eating chicken, you’re not being a good ambassador for your cause. In fact, this kind of behavior only increases the division between us and reinforces the belief that giving in to any demands by the Lavender Mafia is signing our own death warrant.

Megan Fox is the author of “Believe Evidence; The Death of Due Process from Salome to #MeToo." Follow on Twitter @MeganFoxWriter