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Stretch, grab a late afternoon cup of caffeine and get caught up on the most important news of the day with our Coffee Break newsletter. These are the stories that will fill you in on the world that's spinning outside of your office window - at the moment that you get a chance to take a breath.
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The Nomination of [FILL IN THE BLANK] to the Supreme Court Means [REALLY BAD THINGS]

If you're reading this, that means it's not too late. There's still time. We can still prevent this calamity. We can still save America from the doom that's inevitable if the United States Senate is allowed to confirm President Trump's latest nominee to the Supreme Court, [FILL IN THE BLANK].

We all know that Cheeto Hitler is a deep-cover Russian agent who stole the election even though Hillary got the popular vote and it's not fair. (#ButHerEmails!) That's a given, and so far we've put up with it. We've played nice. We've kept our cool. But now it's time to fight back. Now Trump is presenting a direct threat to [LIBERAL AGENDA ITEM] and [ANOTHER LIBERAL AGENDA ITEM] and [YET ANOTHER LIBERAL AGENDA ITEM], via his pick of [FILL IN THE BLANK].

It should go without saying that [FILL IN THE BLANK] is a completely unacceptable nominee, but we'll say it anyway. This cannot be allowed to happen. It's not hyperbole or exaggeration to say that [FILL IN THE BLANK] will destroy America and kill us all, and here are just a few good reasons why:

Did you know that [FILL IN THE BLANK] believes women should be treated as second-class citizens by denying them access to [LIBERAL AGENDA ITEM]? Did you know that [HE/SHE] doesn't agree that [OPINION ALL MY FRIENDS EXPRESS, WHICH I HAVEN'T REALLY THOUGHT ABOUT, BUT I'D BETTER GO ALONG WITH IT OR THEY MIGHT NOT LIKE ME ANYMORE]? I mean... really? It makes you nostalgic for the good old days of [PREVIOUS REPUBLICAN PRESIDENT, WHO I ALSO CALLED "HITLER" ALL THE TIME], doesn't it?

Did you know that [FILL IN THE BLANK] wants to take away your right to [THING THAT ISN'T ACTUALLY A RIGHT, BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER BECAUSE NOBODY KNOWS WHAT "RIGHTS" ARE ANYMORE]? Um, hello? I literally can't even.

Did you know that corporations are bad? [FILL IN THE BLANK] doesn't! If [HE/SHE] is allowed to sit on the court, corporations will continue to devastate our planet by [PROVIDING GOODS AND SERVICES I USE ALL THE TIME AND FEEL GUILTY ABOUT]. In the words of [LONG-DEAD STATESMAN I JUST GOOGLED]: "[QUOTATION I OBVIOUSLY DON'T UNDERSTAND, WHICH HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH ANY OF THIS]."

Also, according to [A TWEET I JUST SAW, CITING AN ANONYMOUS SOURCE], Trump and [FILL IN THE BLANK] made a shadowy deal behind the scenes so they could [LIBERAL CONSPIRACY THEORY] and [ANOTHER LIBERAL CONSPIRACY THEORY], at the behest of [LIBERAL BOOGEYMAN]. Is this still America???

Besides, do we really want the guy who said, "Grab 'em by the pussy" to have the power to appoint yet another [MAN/WOMAN] to the court? This isn't what the Founding Fathers wanted.