The Morning Briefing: Epstein's Death Just Got Weirder Shocked Face Edition

Happy Hump Day, patriots. Bit of a mishmash at the top here today, as every news cycle is now a carnival freak show.

LITERALLY SLEEPING ON THE JOB

The first 24 hours or so after Jeffrey Epstein was discovered to have become a non-problem for a certain wine-swilling failed presidential candidate and her occasional husband were filled with people condemning anyone who floated a conspiracy theory.

From the "If It Walks Like A Duck..." Dept:

The two correctional officers in the special housing unit where Mr. Epstein was held — 9 South — falsely recorded in a log that they had checked on the financier, who was facing sex trafficking charges, every 30 minutes, as was required, the officials said.Such false entries in an official log could constitute a federal crime.

In fact, the guards had been asleep for some or all of the three hours, the officials said.

At this point, one might run the risk of actually spraining something while trying to avoid a conspiracy theory. Another few days of coincidences piling up the way they have been since Saturday and investigators are going to have to wear hazmat suits to wade through the toxic B.S.

Lemony Badness at CNN

Something is in the water over at Trump-hate Central.

Don Lemon is being sued for an unusual assault. Jim Treacher has all of the uncomfortable details here, complete with enough double entendre and innuendo to add spice to your breakfast.

Day Two of Fredogate saw a surprising number of people on the right (including some of my own colleagues) defending Cuomo. The consensus among them was that he shouldn't have been harassed like that while out with his family. The Federalist co-founder Sean Davis added some detail to the larger point I was making in yesterday's Briefing about CNN being highly complicit in making the country as cranking as it is:

That's how the network treats conservatives. That's why my sympathy meter wasn't able to move much for Cuomo on this one.

Well, that, and I also hate feelings.

POTUS didn't disappoint with his thoughts on the subject:

Some of us do.

What many on "our" side tend to forget is that everything the liberals accuse us of now is projection on their parts. They are the ones with the hate, racism, and murder in their hearts. They just have a well-oiled media machine in place that works 24/7 in the modern media era to convince people the opposite is true.

While I don't want to be the guy who turns into them, it's more than understandable that some of us are little cranky after being called racists and murderers all of the time.

Kinda nice to have a president who gets that.

I'll admit, it's exhausting not being a racist, murderous xenophobe all the time, but somebody's gotta do it.

Let's link, shall we?

PJM Linktank

IT HAD TO BE DONE: Bible stories as "Florida Man" headlines.

"Me llamo Joaquin, yo soy estúpido": Texans Flock to Barbecue Chain After Castro Doxxed Owner as Trump Donor

Be still my capitalist heart: Trump Campaign Store Now Selling 'Fredo Unhinged' T-Shirts

Petition to Let Joe Rogan Moderate a Presidential Debate Is What America Needs

#TrueStory: Trump Has Democrats Acting Like Pavlov's Dogs

Marianne Williamson won't be the weird one anymore: Al Sharpton pondering getting in the race

From the Mothership and Beyond

Sen. Tim Scott goes off on Dems for constantly playing the race card

Mooch goes full Ana Navarro, claims calling someone "Fredo" is un-American

Chicago mass shootings don't much interest the MSM

#MeWhat? Legendary tenor Placido Domingo accused of "sexually tinged" behavior

NY Times suffers second un-woke incident this month, demotes editor for honest tweets about Tlaib and Omar

Tulsi Gabbard trades her hot pantsuit for 2 weeks of fashionable, patriotic Army fatigues

Notorious person of color Max Boot thinks everyone is racist

Get your toilet's python problem under control

Stacey Abrams announces she won't be losing the presidency next year

More reality for Dems: Trump's small-dollar donations are WAY up

AT LEAST HE COULDN'T TALK WITH HIS HANDS: CNN let Beto write an Op-Ed

When Justin Trudeau isn't calling people he disagrees with "Nazis" he's busy acting like one and disarming them

Leftists Hate America: Exhibit Number Nobody Can Count That High

Louisiana public schools sporting new "In God We Trust" signs

WaPo gives Four Pinocchios to Kamala and Fauxcahontas for lying about Ferguson "murder"

Your future on socialized medicine

The Kruiser Kabana

Ah, the old "Shut the Neighbors Up With Nunchucks and Roach Spray" trick 

The headline rather speaks for itself: Man wearing TV on head caught on camera leaving old TVs on Virginia front porches

An American Tragedy: Safety Net Saves Fan But Not Beer

<insert sign-off line here>

Let the unbridled wackiness of the late, great Kevin Meaney carry you forward into the day.

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Stephen Kruiser is the author ofDon’t Let the Hippies ShowerandStraight Outta Feelings: Political Zen in the Age of Outrage,” both of which address serious subjects in a humorous way. Monday through Friday he edits PJ Media’s “Morning Briefing.”