Stop Licking and Spitting in My Food—or You'll Regret It

In another installment of "What The Hell is Wrong With Kids Today," I bring you the disgusting fad/internet challenge of tampering with food in the grocery store by spitting in it or licking it. Something is seriously wrong with the youth today if this is how they get their jollies.

Clearly, this asinine behavior is spreading and it's time to put a stop to it. I could stop this tomorrow. First, I would take these three and put them in front of a very stern magistrate who would give them an option of twenty years in prison with hard labor or public, televised spankings. They would clearly choose a second chance for their fifteen minutes of fame. I would then allow every person who has ever been afraid to purchase food in the last few weeks to line up to take a turn tanning their hides.

What would follow after that is a solid three days in the stocks in the middle of the Walmart parking lot where people could jeer at them and throw rotten produce at them with well-placed webcams.

This unchecked passive-aggressive food terrorism has gone too far. Regular justice will not do. My first thought was to have them executed. Just off with their heads, but it was pointed out to me that capital punishment may be an overreaction. I considered this, and begrudgingly settled on a public whipping. Nothing else will do. No community service will right this outrage. There must be pain, tears, shame, and humiliation broadcast live on ABC. Chris Harrison can host "It's the most dramatic caning ceremony ever!" Ratings would be through the roof, advertiser dollars would pour in and it would ensure that no one does this ever again. Everyone will say "remember the Blue Bell girl," in hushed, terrified tones. "I heard she couldn't sit down for a month!"

The psychopathy behind this behavior is too upsetting to contemplate and it must, therefore, be summarily stomped out. Right now! Don't wait until it grows into some Tide Pod-eating outbreak. I demand justice now for all people who like their food unlicked by strange tongues.