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Remain Calm, All Is Well (Unless You Want to Watch 'Animal House')

If you banished me to a deserted island and told me I could have a solar-powered Blu-ray player but just one movie to watch for the rest of my life, I would do two things: 1) Thank you profusely for getting me away from these people, they're driving me nuts; and 2) Flip a coin to decide between Die Hard and Animal House. Heads, it's Animal House. Tails... to hell with the coin, it's Animal House.

If Ready Player One was about my life, instead of the aging nerd in the movie, those CGI characters wouldn't be running around the Overlook Hotel. They'd be running around Faber College.*

Tomorrow is the 40th anniversary of Animal House, but to me it hasn't aged a minute. I can't seem to go a single day without uttering some reference to the greatest comedy ever made. I've seen it dozens of times, I own it in every format known to man, and 30 years from now it'll be the first movie I allow Emperor Robo-Bezos to implant directly into my brain.

That is, assuming such movies are even legal by then. Now that we're banning plastic straws, of all things, I foresee a day when Animal House and movies like it will be just another controlled substance. They'll be kept from us, with severe criminal penalties, for our own good.

All because of people like Dean Wormer Hannah Yasharoff at USA Today:

In the era of #MeToo, is it still OK to laugh at ‘Animal House’?

National Lampoon’s raunchy frat house comedy "Animal House," which celebrates its 40th anniversary Saturday, is widely regarded as an all-time great movie. But four decades later, it feels less like a comedy classic and more like a toxic showcase of racism, homophobia and jokes about sexual assault.

While parts of the film are still genuinely funny and enjoyable in 2018, the crueler moments beg the question: In the era of #MeToo, is it still OK to enjoy "Animal House"?

My goodness. Whatever you do, don't show this young lady Porky's.

Yasharoff admits that the movie is hilarious, but then she wrings her hands over the parts that are "problematic": Bluto peeping in the windows of the sorority, Pinto sleeping with a girl and finding out she's only 13, the epilogue revealing that Omega Theta Pi super-jerk Greg Marmalard was raped in prison, etc.

Is it really okay to watch such depictions of sexual deviancy, when rape on college campuses is such a serious issue? This is the era of #MeToo, people. As Yasharoff puts it:

Using sexual assault as throwaway humor perpetuates the idea that the destruction these people leave in their path is meaningless simply because they didn’t intend to destroy it.