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No, Zoo Animals Don't Want Selfies with You

Remember when that dentist from Minnesota went on an African bow-hunting safari and defeated a lion, and everybody acted like it was the crime of the century? Remember all the outrage from shrieking, sheltered idiots whose only exposure to dangerous predators comes from Animal Planet, Disney cartoons, and plush animal toys? Remember how stupid it all was?

That dentist knows something those dummies don't: Animals are not our friends. If a lion walked into your living room, it wouldn't listen politely as you told it what a big fan you are. It wouldn't sign your Blu-Ray of Born Free. It wouldn't sing "Circle of Life" to you. It would show you what "circle of life" really means, by ending yours. It's an apex predator, and you're prey. You're nothing but a tasty meal, and it won't think twice about chowing down. Hell, it won't even think once. And if you get killed by a predatory animal, he and his pals aren't going to light candles and put up a makeshift memorial to mourn you. You'll be just another bowel movement.

Animals are dumb, but a lot of humans are even dumber. Check out this genius who thought a jaguar in an Arizona zoo was just another prop for her Instagram page.

Here's some post-mistake video. WARNING: It's pretty gross, but she'll live.

That jaguar is not there to entertain you. It's not there for you to show off to your friends. It's a dangerous animal. That's why it's in there, so it can't hurt people who are smart enough to stay away from it.

But don't worry, animal lovers. Nothing's going to happen to the jaguar. ABC 15 in Phoenix:

"This is the second time the female jaguar has swiped at someone," said Wildlife World Zoo Director Mickey Ollson.

Ollson said the 4 to 5-year-old cat will not be euthanized because it, "was not the animal's fault and they would never harm an animal based on human behavior."

Normally I'd say any animal that harms a human must be put down. (Good riddance, Harambe.) But in this case I'll make an exception. That jaguar was just defending its home. It's not the animal's fault that this grown-ass woman ignored the signs and put herself in danger.

I have to admit, though... now I want to see that selfie she took! Imagine what was going through her head in the seconds before she learned the law of the jungle:

OMG, I'm at the zoo. With animals and everything! This is amazing, I need to show the whole world that I'm at the zoo. I need to document this important moment in history. Oh, look at that beautiful kitty cat. Just like my lil' Mr. Whiskers waiting for me at home! I simply must get a pic with that majestic creature, I'm sure it won't mind. Wait, what does this sign say? "Do... Not..." Ahhh, whatever. Stupid sign! Okay, let me just find a good angle and snap this selfie with it. What would be a good caption? How about: "Forgot my saucer of milk, LOL!" Hey, what's it doing? Wait. Wait! Nice kitty! I'm your friend! NICE KITTY AAAAAAARRRRRRGGHHH

First-world humans have separated ourselves from the natural world as much as possible, but the natural world doesn't care. An apex predator doesn't know what the internet is, and its hierarchy is much simpler than ours. You can get all the likes and RTs in the world, but it won't help you when you're resting in a big cat's belly.

Update: Now the woman has apologized to the zoo, but she's calling it a "crazy accident." So I'm not sure she's learned anything.