Nasty Professor Karlan Demonstrates the Kind of Maddening Non-Apology Democrats Love

Have you noticed that Democrats never apologize properly? When I was growing up, my mother taught me that when apologizing to someone you should tell the wronged party what you did wrong, apologize, and then promise to do your best not to repeat it. The end. She did not teach me to add any "but you are equally crappy too" codicil or qualifier. In fact, if I tried that, she would stop me and tell me that it doesn't count if you start another argument during your apology.

I've noticed that Democrats have either never been taught how to apologize or they simply aren't sorry when they screw up, because none of them do it right. Coming in as the most recent example of someone who was apparently raised in a barn, Democrat donor and impeachment star witness Professor Pamela Karlan issued a terrible non-apology after mocking Barron Trump's name during Wednesday's impeachment hearing.

"So while the president can name his son Barron, he can't make him a baron," she snarked, for no apparent reason other than to be mean during the hearings. She must have realized that her gaffe was the most newsworthy thing to come out of the impeachment farce to date, making this clown show infinitely more upsetting to most people who don't think minor children should be denigrated by political hacks. Wouldn't it be amazing if this is the moment impeachment fell apart? (It's totally going to, and I say we blame it on her just for extra fun.)

Then Karlan was trending on Twitter and getting dragged by everyone, including Barron's mother, Melania Trump.

Realizing she may have made a boo-boo, Karlan attempted an apology. God, was it awful! "I want to apologize for what I said earlier about the president's son. It was wrong of me to do that." If she had stopped there it would have been perfect, but alas, she did not: "I wish the president would apologize, obviously, for the things that he's done wrong, but I do regret having said that." Huh? 

What has the president done to this black-hearted hag that he needs to apologize for, exactly? Karlan did not elaborate on what she thinks she is owed this apology for. She just expects the president of the United States, whose thirteen-year-old child she just insulted, to get on his knees and apologize to her for winning the election in 2016, or being a hot commodity with the Playmate circle, or not being well-liked by aging lesbian cat ladies, or something. I don't know, she didn't specify, which leaves us free to speculate.

Personally, I think she needs to do it again and this time properly. And while she's at it she should apologize for subjecting all of us to that haircut of hers. Just because she's a lesbian doesn't mean she has to have terrible hair. Don't they have gay hairdressers in the Capitol Hill hair salon who can fix that? Girlfriend needs to be on Queer Eye, quick.

And there's an example of a joke I won't have to apologize for because Karlan is an adult and it's appropriate to joke about other adults, even if it's mean or petty. What's not okay is mocking a child who has done nothing to anyone but exist. It would be different if Barron went on an international tour to yell at adults and tell them they're all stupid. If that were the case, I'd say he should not engage if he doesn't want to face criticism. But he did not go on a world-chastising tour screaming at people, like another minor child we all wish we didn't know. He did nothing to warrant the attention of this professor or anyone else. This non-apology will join the ranks of other non-apologies issued by Democrats that always contain the following telltale words:

"I'm sorry if..."

"I'm sorry, but..."

"I'm sorry that you..."

"I regret..."

No apology that starts in any of those ways will be a complete and true apology. The Democrats clearly need a mother to teach them the proper way to apologize and I'm here to help. Here is what I have taught my children to say when they have made a bad decision that hurt someone. Feel free to use this any time you've embarrassed yourself in front of Congress or wherever: "I hurt you when I _____. I am sorry for doing that. I will not do it again. Please forgive me." And if you're going for extra dessert you can add, "How can I make it right?"

You're welcome.

Now, for extra fun, let's hear Terrence Williams' reaction to Karlan's very bad, horrible, awful, no good day.

Megan Fox is the author of “Believe Evidence; The Death of Due Process from Salome to #MeToo.” Follow on Twitter @MeganFoxWriter