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It's Time for a NEW Green New Deal

I don't want to say the Democratic Party is in trouble, but they're rapidly running out of members who have never sexually assaulted anybody or taken a picture in blackface. One of the only non-racist, non-rapist Dems left is a 29-year-old bartender who nobody had heard of eight months ago. But now we're all supposed to listen to Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez. Now we're supposed to stifle our laughter at her "Green New Deal." She demands to be taken seriously.

There's no point in getting into the specifics of AOC's GND, because there are none. She's not really a "details" kinda gal. But here are a few of the modest goals she proposes to meet within the next ten (10) years:

  • Upgrade every single building in the United States to "achieve maximal energy efficiency"
  • "Create millions of good, high-wage jobs" and provide "economic security for all who are unable or unwilling to work"
  • "Universal access to healthy food"
  • Build high-speed rail "at a scale where air travel stops becoming necessary"
  • Give every single American "high-quality health care" (I thought Obamacare already did that?)
  • "Get rid of farting cows"

That's all in there. Seriously. And it's just a fraction of the fairy tale AOC weaves. The Green New Deal stops short of creating a literal pie in the sky, but only because she couldn't decide which flavor is least harmful to the environment.

And how does this proposal propose to do all that? Shrug emoji! It's easy to save the world if you don't get bogged down in details. It's like the "Underpants Gnomes" bit from South Park, except apparently it's not a joke.

Tyler O'Neill sums it up:

But maybe my skepticism is unfounded. Maybe this really is a feasible proposal, and an important day in world history? After all...

When was the last time a trending topic on Twitter ended up not mattering?

But I see no reason to stop there. The Green New Deal doesn't go far enough. We need a New Green New Deal! Okay, hear me out, you guys:

We can't make everybody stop breathing, but how about half of us? Carbon dioxide is killing the planet. Guess what you exhaled just now? Carbon dioxide! And you're just one of the 7.7 billion people on the planet. Not to mention all the dogs and cats and pigs and gorillas and pandas and other planet-killing creatures out there, running around spewing carbon into the atmosphere and killing us all. Now, everyone knows it's a bad idea for Thanos to snap his fingers and kill half of all living beings in the universe. What this proposal presupposes is: Maybe it's good? Reducing the population by 50 percent would make life 100 percent better. So, everybody will be assigned a number, and there will be some sort of drawing or lottery to decide who commits suicide. One half will die so the other half can live.* Unless you want to keep destroying the planet?

Live in caves. Think of all the things you do every day to hurt our planet. You live in a dwelling that had to be constructed out of materials that should've been left alone. You heat and cool that home for your precious "comfort." You drive in a car that spews death into the skies. You eat animals that were imprisoned and then butchered. Heck, just reading me scolding you right now requires electricity that this planet simply can't afford anymore. You know which dwellings don't destroy the planet? Caves! If it was good enough for our distant ancestors, it's good enough for us.**

Magic. That's it. Magic. Want to get rid of all the bad things and give us only good things? Hocus pocus. Alakazam. Presto! That's all it takes. And if anybody starts babbling about "numbers" and "specifics" and other such hate speech, just remind them that they're bigots and they should shut up.

Yadda yadda yadda, you fill in the rest. See how easy it is if you just believe?

*Anybody holding elected office will be exempt, of course.

**Anybody holding elected office will be exempt, of course.