Is Joe Biden a Literal Zombie?

Back when John McCain was running for president, one of the attacks against him was that he was so old, he'd probably die in office. He was 72 at the time. Today, 77-year-old Joseph Robinette Biden Jr. is running for president. And now the question isn't whether he'll die in office. Now the question is: Did he die already? Is Joe Biden one of the walking dead?

Accusing a presidential candidate of being an ambulatory cadaver shouldn't be done lightly, but there's plenty of evidence. Well, three pieces of evidence. That's more than two!

1. Bleeds from Eyes

During a televised event in September, Joe started to bleed from the eyes. It was really creepy. 28 Days Later, anyone?

Is this evidence that Joe Biden has in fact died and been reanimated somehow, by means scientific and/or magical? Obviously.


2. Craves Human Flesh

If zombies are known for one thing, it's having an insatiable hunger for human flesh. They crave brains in particular, but any part of the human body will do. Even a fingertip.

Before Biden started biting people, I would've said it's ridiculous to contemplate the possibility that he's become a reanimated corpse. Now, it's the only answer that makes sense.

3. Can't Comprehend Human Language

Zombies can walk* and they can eat, but that's about it. They're not great conversationalists. There's no evidence that they can even understand human language, let alone speak it. Now listen to the following mouth sounds and tell me you think they're emanating from a living human brain.

What human being talks like this? Nobody, because what you see here isn't a human being anymore. This is an undead ghoul ineptly struggling to replicate the sounds a person makes. A rough semblance of human behavior. The last vestiges of once-human consciousness that doesn't know it has ceased to be.

The evidence is clear. The truth is irrefutable. Joe Biden is a damn zombie.

Unfortunately for the Republicans, there's probably nothing in the Constitution that prevents a dead guy from getting elected. If Biden gets the Democratic nomination, he'll be tough to beat. Americans love zombies, and they love an underdog. Biden could make history as the first undead-American to get elected president. And any criticism will be painted as bigotry from the living-privileged.

Biden 2020: Literally Deadass!

*No, zombies can't run. Don't be ridiculous. That's just Hollywood BS. Zombies walk. That's their top speed.