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I'm About Ready to Buy a MAGA Hat Just to Spite These Child-Hating A-Holes

Remember when wearing a MAGA hat meant you were certain to lose an election to Hillary Clinton? Remember the days before a red baseball cap became a symbol of all evil in the universe?

I've been typing words on the Internet to pay the bills for, I dunno, 12-13 years now. I spent eight of those years disapproving of a cult of personality centered in the Oval Office, and I've spent the past few years disapproving of the subsequent cult of personality centered in the Oval Office. I don't like tribal groupthink, and I'm as immune to Trump's charisma as I was to Obama's, so in 2019 that means I have even fewer friends and admirers than usual.

But as we head into week 2 of the MAGA Kid Saga, I'm finding common cause with my Trumpkin brothers and sisters. Whatever our differences, I've always agreed with them that the media is astonishingly biased and corrupt. The abject shamelessness of our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters, the self-appointed gatekeepers of the truth, has never been more apparent than it's been over the past week.

If you attend a march in Washington, D.C., while wearing a cheap red hat that can be purchased at any gift shop or souvenir stand in the city, there's every chance you'll be branded a racist for maintaining your composure while complete strangers scream at you and pound drums in your face. And even when irrefutable video evidence proves you've done nothing wrong, a pack of bigots with press passes will still blame you for angering them.

Then, when you go on TV to defend yourself, you'll be depicted as an aggressor:

And the professional victim who lied about you will be fawned over:

See, this is balanced journalism. Yesterday, Savannah Guthrie asked the kid who didn't do anything -- he stood stock-still and did nothing -- if he thought he should apologize. Today, she asked the fraud who lied to her whether the kid who didn't do anything should apologize. Gotta get both sides! (And I just love being lectured by Guthrie, the woman who stood by and did nothing while her co-host raped half the building. Hey, he never did anything to her, right?)