'Google Is Killing Magic,' Witch Complains

Side view of a Halloween witch sitting against clear sky

Google gets blamed for a lot, some of it deservedly so. However, if I worked at Google, I would make this story out of England into a poster to hang on my cubicle wall. You see, according to self-proclaimed witch Marian Green, Google, in cahoots with other giants of the Internet, is killing magic.

To be fair to Marian Green, she's a white witch. She only casts happy, positive spells. If I were her, I'd cozy up to a black witch and encourage said black witch to put some pins in a Google-shaped voodoo doll. (If I were Marian Green, I'd also convene a coven and figure out how to label and categorize witchcraft in a manner that doesn't sound racist.)

While Green tries to figure out how to solve this "Google problem," she has a few things to politely get off her chest.

The UK's Express reports that in a speech at the annual Occult Conference held in Glastonbury, Somerset, Green said, "Technology is killing magic. We do not need to be separated from the natural world, but an awful lot of young people grow up today distanced from nature. Young people don't go outside. When I was a kid there was no technology and I spent all day outside."

The white witch went on to claim that while kids can learn about oak trees, they don't really know what they are because they don't go outside. According to the article:

Mrs. Green said: "People can gain information from technology, but they need to know about plants."

She said wise men and women, the original names for witches, knew the cycles of nature and every plant and herb within a five-mile radius of their homes, and could use them to cure conditions such as warts.

The white witch said people were choosing to explore the environment virtually through Google Earth, but should get out there and feel the rain and build a "magical memory."

Well, now we have an explanation for the sudden epidemic of warts. It's Google's fault.

The good witch Green wasn't finished, though: "Magic is a real genuine positive power," she said. "People are divorced from the real world and out of sync. The old folk lived by the light of the moon and the tide. We need to feel the balance and reconnect to nature - connect human nature to the natural world - the gentle art of natural magic. ... Never mind Google - we need to oogle... go and stare at a tree and the chances are it will be looking back at you."

I'm not saying that children shouldn't be encouraged to put down their iPads and go outside once in a while. I'm just not sure that bemoaning the death of magic is going to be much of an incentive for kids. I mean, getting rid of warts is great and all, but that can't really compete with the magical online world curated by Google.

Or, and parents may want to take note, there's one other takeaway from all this: If you don't want your kids to grow up to be witches, don't let them play outside, especially if you have trees in your yard.