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Forget the Oscars, It's Time for the Treachers

The nominees for the 2018 Academy Awards were announced today, and as usual, I saw very few of them. Dunkirk should win Best Picture, but it won't because Get Out and Call Me By Your Name are also nominated, and if one of them doesn't win it'll mean Hollywood is still racist or homophobic. Similarly, Christopher Nolan should win Best Director, but he probably won't because he's yet another white male. Daniel Kaluuya was good in Get Out, but I kept thinking of that episode of Black Mirror he was in and it reminded me that the movie was about the same level of quality. I didn't see any of the other movies that are up for major awards, so I don't really care who wins those. (No offense, nominees for Best Production Design.)

But what about the movies I did see in 2017? Why aren't there any awards for those? Well, now there are. It's time for the 2018 Treacher Awards!

The rules are simple: Only the movies I saw in 2017 are eligible for nomination. What I say goes. The award is what I say it is, and it goes to who or what I say it does. Awards are arbitrary anyway, so if you don't like it, go cry to somebody else.

And now, the nominees for the 2018 Treachers...

Best Murderer

John Wick, John Wick: Chapter 2

Logan, Logan

Kylo Ren, Star Wars: The Last Jedi

Wonder Woman, Wonder Woman

Whatever Daniel Kaluuya's character was named, Get Out

Logan gets all cranked up on performance-enhancing substances and claws the holy hell out of like 80 guys, so he's a contender. Kylo wiped out a bunch of planets in the previous Star Wars flick, but he doesn't kill nearly as many people in TLJ. I can't remember how many people Wonder Woman kills, if any, but I have to nominate her for something or else I'm a misogynist. And Daniel Kaluuya kills all the white people in Get Out, which makes me feel suitably guilty about things I have no control over.

None of them are John Wick, though. I feel like I have to give it to Keanu, because John Wick is the best at murdering people in really cool ways. Plus, he pulls off at least twice as many headshots in this one.

Winner: John Wick

Best Movie Where Relatively Few People Get Murdered

Spider-Man: Homecoming

Thor: Ragnarok



Brawl in Cell Block 99

I think only one guy gets killed in Spider-Man, and that's an accident because Michael Keaton thinks he's shooting an anti-gravity gun or whatever. A bunch of Valkyries get massacred in Thor, but we never even learn their names (plus they're girls); on the other hand, Hela murders Skurge like a boss. A bunch of people get taken out by giant monsters in Colossal, but Jason Sudeikis is the only one that really counts as a murder. I don't remember anything about Split except the crazy guy kills the old psychiatrist lady and one of the kidnapped girls. Vince Vaughn only kills maybe three or four guys in Brawl, but I've never yelled "OH GOOD GOD NO" louder at a movie in my life.