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DNA Test Proves Elizabeth Warren Is Heap Big Authentic

I'd like your help with a thought experiment, Dear Reader: Imagine Rachel Dolezal decided to run for president.

[PAUSE FOR LAUGHTER]

Are you all done? Thank you. Okay then, imagine that Dolezal is running for president. Let's assume she runs as a Democrat, because we all know the only black Republican on the planet is Kanye. And Dolezal's one defining trait, the only thing that sets her apart from all the other Democratic candidates who spout all the same tedious leftist talking points she does, is her claim of exotic ancestry. Dolezal isn't like all those awful, awful white people whose votes she needs. She's actually black! That's why she should be president.

(This is her message, mind you. I'm not saying it's true, I'm saying she's saying it's true. Er, in this imaginary scenario.)

To prove Dolezal's bona fides, to silence all the critics who keep accusing her of cultural appropriation and white privilege and other crimes against social justice, she produces the results of a DNA test. And according to this hypothetical test in this hypothetical scenario, Dolezal has 0.0976 percent African ancestry. She is 1/1,024th black. One of her great-great-great-great-great-great-great-great-grandparents, give or take a generation or two, was a Person of Color.

After Dolezal announces this news, she attempts a victory lap. She tries to dab on all the haters, or stunt on them, or whatever one does to humiliate haters in 2018. But of course, instead everybody laughs at Dolezal even harder than before. Most of America thinks she's a joke, but most of all our moral, ethical, and intellectual betters in the press.

Gotcha! This isn't actually a hypothetical scenario at all. It's happening right now, except the delusional white lady is Elizabeth Warren and the exotic heritage she's claiming is Native American.

And the initial media reaction is as adoring and unquestioning as you'd expect:

Right. "Strong evidence." Except that the test actually shows she's 1/1,000th non-Caucasian. One of her distant ancestors was possibly from a "Canadian or Mexican indigenous population."

In other words: Elizabeth Warren is 99.9 percent white lady.

Hey, it worked in 2016, right?

As much as I enjoy goofing on Elizabeth Warren, I don't like Trump's constant references to her as "Pocahontas." Not because it's racist, because it's not. He's not the one who told her to lie about her ancestry. No, I don't like it because he should be saying Fauxcahontas. That's the joke. She's a fake. She's about as Indian as Lou Diamond Phillips.*

But Trump bet her $1 million that her DNA test wouldn't show any Native American ancestry at all, no matter how far back, so he should pay up. He's got the money, right? A million bucks is chump change to him, or so his fans tell me.

Does any of this matter? Only if you think a person's race, or some other indicator of victimhood, determines the truth of what he and/or she is saying. Only if you think "authenticity" is some sort of magic spell that can alter reality itself.

In other words, it only matters if you're a Democrat.

If Elizabeth Warren wants to clear up this whole mess about her supposed Native American ancestry, she doesn't need to hold up a blood test. She needs to hold up a permit to open a casino.

Of course, it's a moot point anyway. If Warren runs for president, she's going to get stomped by Kamala Harris. I don't know if there will ever be a female POTUS,** but if Harris and Warren ever go head to head, you can be damn sure Harris isn't going to back down in a battle of racial authenticity.

#Kamala2020!

*Phillips is half Scots-Irish and half Filipino. I also could've gone with an Iron Eyes Cody reference, because he was 100 percent Italian. I would vote for either of them before I'd vote for Elizabeth Warren, and that's taking into consideration the fact that Cody is dead.

**Let's hope not. Right, fellas? Although I can think of one woman I'd vote for: Caitlyn Jenner. She'd be the first president who was ever on a box of Wheaties.