As you may know, I’m not a fan of pets in general and certainly not in the confined spaces known as airplanes, but if pets were the least of my worries, maybe things wouldn’t be so bad:

The friendly skies are starting to sound downright dangerous. In March alone, stories of rape, fistfights and dead beloved pets have dominated national headlines. And it seems no airline is immune. United, Southwest, American and Alaska Airlines are just a few of the carriers scrambling to explain the behavior of crew members. And tales of passengers gone wild can often be even more harrowing.

In a recent survey of airplane crew members, 67 percent of respondents said they have witnessed passengers behaving aggressively or violently toward each other, and 10 percent have experienced firsthand passenger-initiated violence.

But it’s not just the flyers acting out. Things have gotten so bad with their employees, United just rolled out a compassion training program aimed at teaching employees how to be caring, safe, dependable and efficient. This new system will require around 30,000 customer-facing crew members to attend a four-hour training session to ensure all safety standards are met “with a smile.”

I’m sorry about the dead dog, but there’s really no reason to bring a pet into the passenger compartment; put it in a kennel or leave it with friends. As for “comfort” goats, pigs, and chickens, don’t get me started. Meanwhile, among the fun events in the air:

And this masterpiece of horror:

And people wonder why I prefer to drive back and forth between the East Coast and California whenever possible.