The new book Game Change, with its inside look at politics, has been selling out everywhere because of all its shocking revelations about many political figures. Not to be outdone, I’ve decided to start researching my own book — Bad Stuff ‘Bout Politicians — which will include numerous scandalous details I found through my super-secret inside sources. Some have already accused these sources of being “imaginary,” to which I respond, “No, you’re imaginary!” Others have accused me of being on drugs, which is completely untrue, and you can’t have any.
Anyway, here are some of the shocking things I’ve found so far, much of them about the 2008 presidential campaign:
- John Edwards’ $400 haircut: $10 for the haircut and $390 for hookers.
- Of the many Democratic senators’ reactions to Barack Obama running for president, Harry Reid’s was actually the least racist.
- John McCain’s speech at the Republican National Convention was significantly altered from his original “so I hate you and you all hate me” version.
- Sarah Palin had never actually shot a moose, but had instead found pleasure in laying a gun down in front of a moose and cruelly breaking its self-esteem until it took its own life.
- Hillary Clinton was so enraged by her loss to Obama in the Iowa primary that the only way to calm her down was to give her a big box of cute little kittens that she could bite the heads off of.
- Barack Obama’s rumored drug use was a lot more recent than most people think, but he vowed to never do it again after he woke up one morning with Joe Biden as a running mate.
- When it started to look like Sarah Palin wasn’t fully vetted, the press immediately took up the slack, analyzing everything about her — a process that continues to this day. When they get done, the press swears they’ll then take a look at Obama.
- To avoid a scandal due to remarks he might make, to this day no one has told Senator Byrd that the president is now black.
- In the same speech in which Barack Obama referred to bitter people clinging to guns and religion, he later said, “I just really hate those people. Hate them. What is that everyone always calls those people? Oh yeah: Americans. I hate them.”
- Bill Clinton’s philandering had by the 2008 presidential election become increasingly uncontrollable, his romantic trysts moving on to involve multiple women, then farm animals, then plants, and then lawn furniture.
- Barack Obama first had second thoughts about Joe Biden as a running mate when saw him repeatedly lose to a chicken at tic-tac-toe.
- There are some rumors that Chris Dodd ran for president, but I haven’t been able to find any hard confirmation of that.
- Obama’s staff had to work overtime day and night to cover up the fact that “community organizer” is a completely made-up job.
- It took numerous adjustments before Mike Huckabee’s southern charm no longer caused uncontrollable vomiting.
- Obama originally laughed off Hillary’s ad about who you would want answering the phone in a crisis at 3 a.m. until he found out there is no such thing as a “night-shift president.”
- The advanced CGI used to create Mitt Romney was later used on the movie Avatar with a few additional techniques they came up with to get rid of that “uncanny valley” problem.
- Barack Obama finally won the support of Bill Clinton when he agreed to drive 100 miles to get Clinton a McRib sandwich.
- Few Democrats sought an Al Gore endorsement, as they figured that would probably involve listening to him yammer on for an hour about ice caps or compact fluorescent light bulbs or some other nonsense he read on the internet.
- Fred Thompson was going to respond to the charges that he didn’t have “fire in the belly,” but he just never cared enough to do it.
- Staffers first suspected Sarah Palin might have a problem with foreign affairs when she attempted to find Pakistan on a globe and somehow ended up pointing at Mare Crisium on the moon.
- The worst day of Obama’s political campaign was the day he went to Hawaii to get his original birth certificate and had to face the hard fact contained within it: he is an American.
- Staffers had to always be careful that there were no open flames anywhere near Joe Biden during his campaign appearances, as that would always send him into a panicked rage. In fact, he wanted one of the main tenets of his platform to be: “Fire bad!”
- Due to sloppy scheduling with all their mistresses, John Edwards and Bill Clinton accidentally had a tryst with each other.
- The DNC narrowly avoided a lawsuit from HBO, which contended that Nancy Pelosi was a clear ripoff of the Crypt Keeper.
- For some time, Barack Obama bought into the hype and thought he was Jesus and believed he was nearly successful in turning water into wine, not realizing he was actually working with vodka.
- It took a lot of work in practice debates with Hillary Clinton to keep her from responding with “I’ll swallow your soul!” when she felt she’d been backed into a corner.
- The day before the election, Barack Obama turned to his campaign manager, David Plouffe, and asked, “So what exactly does a president do?”