Just in time for Valentine’s Day, the campus perverts are back! In case you thought you were sending your teenager to college to learn marketable skills to enter the workforce, you would be mistaken — unless your darling child is headed into the porn industry. “Sex Week” is happening right now at The Ohio State University. In case your kids didn’t get enough condoms on bananas in their wildly inappropriate sex-ed courses in high school, the university is offering “Not Your High School Sex Ed,” provided by the “non-judgemental” harpies of the Women’s, Gender and Sexuality Department. But that’s just the beginning, friends.
Don’t forget to stop by the Planned Parenthood seminar on “fighting abortion stigma.” You want to make sure, when all the hedonistic sex the university pushes on your kid catches up with them, that they can enrich Planned Parenthood with a quickie abortion. Shout your abortion, kids! It’s the cool thing to do. You don’t want to let anyone make you feel bad for killing your offspring — that’s just medieval. Instead, go hang out with the kiddie-butchers who will show you how to live a guilt-free existence even after you’ve committed infanticide. They have freebie giveaways!
Boy, oh boy, it’s going to be a great time! The Wellness Center is even offering free STD testing to find out whose herpes you contracted during this week of love. Don’t worry, kids! Herpes is incurable and exquisitely painful and unsightly, but pretty much everyone has it now thanks to oversexed “professionals” who want every kindergartner sexually active by middle school.
And don’t miss the sex toys seminar, which is relying on The Garden, Columbus’s own all-girl-owned sex shop, to sell your kids as many dildos as you can carry. They seem like real professionals. A look at their website may answer the question as to why these girls needed to become experts in vibrators.
But wait! There’s more! Want to get really down and dirty and covered in blood for fun? Ohio State has you covered with their super gross-out seminar on how to have sex on your period. (And all the ladies go wild with the thought of getting bloodstains out of sheets.)
“Ahh, the ominous phenomenon of period sex. Whether or not you are familiar with the topic, we can probably agree that period sex isn’t talked about enough. Luckily, PERIOD. will be with us to explain the health benefits, stigma, and logistics of doin’ it with Aunt Flow in town,” says the Ohio State website. PERIOD. is an activist group that… oh, I don’t know. Let’s not pretend to care what these people are doing anymore. Most likely these were the people behind the period emoji movement, the most important movement of all time. Did menstrual cycles need a movement? They have merch.
Frankly, this is more than I ever want to hear about period sex ever again. I think most of us are in agreement on that, but the question should be asked: Is this what you thought you were paying for when you shelled out that $10,000 to $25,000 check for higher learning?
In case you thought that Sex Week is just one event among many helpful events that Ohio State hosts, a thorough search of their events page did not turn up any “Get a Job in the Real World Week” or “Learning How to Balance a Checkbook for Dummies” seminars. But they do offer workshops for illegal immigrants to get help with their documentation, cardio barbell classes, indoor cycling, yoga, Shake It!, karaoke, and Zumba.
Burn it to the ground and start over. Academia is dead.