Parenting

Choking, E Coli, and a Horrible Mess: A Parent's Worst Nightmares Come True in One Toy

I was browsing Facebook one evening when I scrolled past something they were trying to sell me. Usually, I go right by these things but I noticed my sister had commented on it with a horrified, “No way!” So I watched. What I witnessed is not even explainable. I still don’t know what I watched. This is an ad? To get me to buy this product? Either it’s a practical joke or this toy company hired the worst advertising firm, ever.

Unfortunately, the video is not embeddable, but let’s break this down with screenshots, shall we? The very first opening frame shows tiny bouncy-looking balls being spilled all over someone’s living room. They’re just rolling all over the floor like someone dropped an entire case of gumballs that have all just rolled under your appliances. Are they kidding?

Then we see that they are some kind of dehydrated substance that will swell to become a little round ball of anguish exactly the size of my three-year-old’s esophagus when added to water. Then we see two toddlers (still in the choking stage) whipping bags of these things around the bathroom, trying to get them in the tub, but failing, as toddlers do, and dumping a bunch of the unholy pellets all over the floor.

But filling a tub isn’t enough for these two hooligans, oh no! Then they drop an entire bag IN THE TOILET. I just…I can’t…I don’t…EEEECCCCOOOOLLLLLIIIII!!!!!! And my plumbing. Dear God the plumbing! We have a septic system! So this company (which shall remain nameless because no one should buy these things unless you hate yourself) thinks it’s a good selling point that your kids might clog up your toilet with waterlogged globules of God knows what? Seriously? Not to mention that the kids play with these things, right? So if they are putting them in the toilet, they’re going to take them out and play with toilet water soaked balls? Whaaaaat???

 

NO! NO! NO!

But the abomination isn’t over yet. Now they sloppily fill up the sink while spilling the tiny terrorists everywhere and basically flood their mother’s bathroom. After the great flooding, the balls expand to overflowing and they body surf through them.

 

I have a question.

Who the hell is supposed to clean that up?

And also, one of these boys is about fifteen months old! I spend the first three or so years of a kid’s life searching frantically for chokers that could kill them and banning all small items from the house. Are you telling me there are parents who don’t live in terror of the dreaded chokers? I’m sure I might be a little over the top, but these things look like fruit snacks! I have a kid who eats crayons, chalk, dirt, and sand. There’s no way he wouldn’t be gobbling these up. This whole commercial makes me simultaneously cringe and reach for the wine bottle.

The mere idea of this going down in my house gives me actual pain in my neck. I’m getting a spasm right now thinking about how Gramma might see this and think it looks like a lovely activity. Mom, I know you’re reading this. DO NOT BUY THESE FOR US. I’m serious this time.