It’s that time again. I walked into my son’s room and yelped as I stepped on an army guy that dug into the bottom of my foot and then stumbled over a tractor and landed on a puzzle with metal chains and hooks and locks. It was a bad day for my feet, but it alerted me that it was time for a deep cleaning. Unfortunately, two-year-old’s are gross. And I mean really gross. Here’s the worst of the worst that I found while cleaning.
1. Half-eaten crayons and books
My son is addicted to eating crayons and cardboard. It’s so weird. It’s this game we play every day, where I hide the crayons and he finds them and promptly eats them. I hide the board books, he finds them and eats them. This wouldn’t worry me so much if he would eat food, too, but getting him to eat much more than pretzels is a near impossibility. (He has recently decided he likes pancakes, thanks be to God!) Have you ever tried to get chewed-up crayon out of molars? Impossible. And before the comments begin, of course I’ve tried teethers. He hates them. He loves the way crayons and cardboard taste.
2. Stale popcorn and dry cereal
It was everywhere—under the bed, in his crib, ground into his rug … and I’m not sure how it got there. Whenever I give him a snack, it’s in a closed container with a little hole for his fingers so he can’t throw it around the room unless he’s just digging in there to specifically throw it around the room … which is very likely.
3. Rotten milk
The dreaded forgotten bottle full of what used to be milk that rolled under the crib. How long has this been here? I’m just throwing it out!
4. Wilted carrot sticks and a half-chewed apple
I don’t give this kid food in bed. He just takes it up there and climbs in by himself. It was more amusing than gross because I was all excited that he asked for actual food to eat and I thought he ate it, but instead, he shoved the carrot in his dump truck and buried the apple under his blanket. Good times.
5. Coveted toys
My daughter, 11, has been missing a prized nerf gun for a while. I found it stuffed under 2’s bed. He looked at me like he had no idea it was under there. A likely story.
6. Wall art
When he’s not eating crayons, 2 is using them in inappropriate places. When I went to organize his truck bin in the corner of his room, I noticed that the dark blue paint didn’t look quite right. Apparently, my young Picasso has been using his wall as a scribble pad. Thank God and Mr. Clean for Magic Erasers and dark paint. Seriously, dark blue is a great color for a toddler’s room. The crayon looks like some kind of paint technique I used on purpose.
7. Important game pieces
I think my kid is like a Jawa from Star Wars. He runs around the house collecting shiny things or things that interest him and then stashes them in his room. I keep finding game pieces we’ve been looking for in his room. The weird part is that all the games are put away high on shelves. How is he getting this stuff?
8. Mystery stains
I really don’t want to know what that stain on the bean bag chair is. Could be banana. Could be snot. All I know is that the cover is washable and its next date is with some Tide.
9. Shoes with no match
Forget the great sock wars, my child’s shoes keep disappearing like we have elves. He has one shoe of each kind, but no two that match. I have no idea where they go, and today I found one (just one) that I’ve never seen before.
10. Surprise vomit!
I couldn’t reach the toys that rolled under the crib, so I decided to pull it out from the wall. Don’t do this unless you are wearing a hazmat suit and are prepared for horrifying discoveries. We recently had the flu and the boy child threw up once in his crib. His father cleaned him up and stripped the bed and we thought we got it all. Apparently, the child had turned his head at some point and hurled through the bars and behind the bed. That’s what I found this morning, dried on the wall, the back of the crib and the floor. Good morning!