BAN RYAN LOCHTE: Olympic Swimmer Disgraced Two Nations and, Unforgivably, His Mom

Every village has its idiot but the Olympic Village has more than its fair share in Ryan Lochte and his teammates. This fool Lochte has been an embarrassment to his country ever since he was photographed wearing a diamond-studded grill in his mouth at an Olympic ceremony in 2012.

And now he’s caused an international incident, unquestionably hurting American relations with Brazil, by lying to police about a robbery that never happened and vandalizing a bathroom.

This guy is worse than your average dumba** in his 20s making stupid mistakes. He’s 32. When you’re rolling down the hill to middle age, it’s especially embarrassing to be caught behaving like a drunken frat boy with blue hair. I think most people expect a 32-year-old to own up to his mistakes. Instead, this guy went into interviews and just made up a totally fake story that made him sound brave and manly, so his mother wouldn’t know he was out partying. Again, I remind you that he’s 32, and lying to his mother about partying, which makes me think he has some sort of developmental disorder and stopped progressing at the age of 12. (But that would be an insult to people with developmental disorders!) He actually allowed his mother to repeat his lies to the media! There are no words strong enough to describe the evil that is dragging your own mother into your pit of lies, hurting her reputation as well as yours.

Lochte has no excuse for this nonsense:

We got pulled over, in the taxi, and these guys came out with a badge, a police badge, no lights, no nothing just a police badge and they pulled us over,” Lochte told NBC’s “Today” the morning after the incident. “They pulled out their guns, they told the other swimmers to get down on the ground – they got down on the ground. I refused, I was like we didn’t do anything wrong, so – I’m not getting down on the ground.

And then the guy pulled out his gun, he cocked it, put it to my forehead and he said, ‘Get down,’ and I put my hands up, I was like ‘whatever.’ He took our money, he took my wallet – he left my cellphone, he left my credentials.

Unfortunately for him, there was video of Lochte and his posse vandalizing a gas station bathroom and being held by security guards. Whether they had guns or not is under dispute, but the swimmers were behaving like violent lunatics and would have deserved apprehension with a weapon since they were caught in the commission of a crime

Lochte’s story is far from innocent pranking, as he surely knew that Rio has been plagued with crime and robberies, because those stories have topped the news cycle for weeks. His lie was a malicious one intended to capitalize on the problems in Rio, consequences be damned, to make himself look better (not possible with that hair).When Olympians represent America in a host country, they need to be painfully aware that anything they do will be looked at under a microscope and so their very best behavior is required. It should be part of the process of selecting athletes. “Can they qualify?” is not the only question that should be asked, but also “should this person represent our country?” In Ryan Lochte’s case (and those other two muppets he dragged into this), the answer is no.

Lochte and friends need to be banned for life from any other Olympic games. The punishment should be swift and severe (something they clearly didn’t get enough of as children). They have disgraced their country, shamed a host country, and destroyed the goodwill that comes with the Olympic games, not to mention shaming Lochte’s mother. Frankly, they’re lucky they weren’t sentenced to hard labor in Rio to pay for the damage they did to the gas station and to international relations. Lochte has reportedly hired Justin Bieber’s PR people, if that tells you anything about how he sees himself and what he’s learned. It won’t surprise anyone to hear his plan reported in the New York Times“I see me being a designer, I see me being a model, I see me being a TV star.” 

Just what we need.

The Olympic games are a bright spot in this dark world full of hatred and violence, where we get to watch the world compete without tanks and bombs for a few months every four years. It’s a privilege to be chosen to represent your nation and none of these idiots deserve that privilege ever again. It’s time for the Olympic Committee to be the parent and discipline these boys. Maybe it will make them men.

Join the conversation as a VIP Member