Thank God Mister Rogers Is Dead!

Seriously. If poor Fred Rogers were alive today, he would currently be strapped to a pile of sticks about to be set on fire by a group of rabid social justice warriors (SJWs). Have you seen his show? It’s the most genderogynist (trademarking that word directly after publishing) right-wing hate ideology you ever heard. My son, who is one and a half and totally adorable, has decided that “Mister Rogers’ Neighborhood” is the only show that interests him, so I’ve been watching it (over and over again) for a few months.

What is this horrendous non-inclusive garbage? If I continue to allow my son to watch it, ze may come away from it thinking it’s okay to be exactly who ze is (a genetic boy) and everyone knows that is pants-on-fire crazy talk. How could we have been so regressive just thirty-odd years ago? Imagine telling children that “boys are boys from the beginning and girls are girls right from the start!” Heresy!

It appears that there were children back in 1980-something who weren’t sure about their bodies and not comfortable with who they were and Mister Rogers’ ridiculous take on it was to tell them that they were perfect just as is! In fact, he even wrote some absurd Neighborhood of Make-Believe tale about a young cow who wanted to be a potato bug. Incredibly, the calf’s mother doesn’t tell the youngster she can be a potato bug if she takes the right starchy hormones! Nor does she take her child to a surgeon to have antennae or even wings attached. The farmer oppressively keeps the cow from following her dreams of transformative insectopia by telling her how wonderful it is to be a cow! And the whole thing ends with the young cow accepting herself and learning to like herself the way she is. Total rubbish, as everyone knows.

Then there was Audrey Duck’s subversive poetry that would certainly be labeled hate speech in 2016.

It’s been a very special day,

with feelings that were sad and glad.

But now we know for sure these things:

that owls are owls and ducks are ducks

and queens are queens and kings are kings.

I don’t know about you, but if Fred Rogers was still operating in his studio at PBS, I’d be out there with you picketing that closed-minded, freedom-hating outlet! What a relief he’s dead already and we don’t have to burn him at the stake, eh?

(Full disclosure: For those of you who regularly read the Huffington Post and, as a result, can’t identify satire…this is it.)

Please enjoy this wonderful song by a wonderful man who knew a hell of a lot more about childhood and truth than anyone currently claiming to understand what is good for children. We miss you (and your sanity), Mister Rogers.