Every Halloween we all trundle off to the store (usually on the night before) to buy treats to keep our local little ghouls going to the dentist regularly. I bet you didn’t know when choosing which candy or treat to hand out that you are actually distributing intimate details of your life and personality to the entire neighborhood. For those of us who can read between the Snickers bars, you’ve just revealed your true nature through red dye #40 or organic lollies. It’s kind of like one of those homemade paper fortune tellers, only accurate.
1. The Mini-Chocolate Bar Variety Pack
You are busy, efficient, and only want to grab one or two bags, while offering a variety of stuff and not being cheap. You might have someone allergic to red dye #40 and so chocolate is your safe zone. You’re not taking chances that your kid will sneak a bright red gum ball and end up having a rage fit by 7 p.m. You also bought Reese’s but they will not make it into the Halloween bucket to hand out to the neighborhood. Those are yours alone because everyone knows — Reese’s are clearly not for children because they pair so well with wine.
2. Tootsie Roll Variety Pack
You’re cheap or broke and hoping no one will care. But hey, at least you didn’t buy Dollar Store candy from China, so…whatever.
3. Organic Whole Foods Candies with No Dyes, Preservatives, Nuts or Gluten (and You Have a Turquoise Pumpkin on Your Porch)
You have a house full of food allergies and nuts will kill at least one of your kids. You’re also scared to death of Halloween and probably don’t let your kids trick-or-treat in the general public. You organize an allergy-free Halloween party with some other beleaguered moms out there, trying not to kill their kids with accidental nut exposure. You’re not snooty or holier-than-thou, you’re just trying to keep your kids healthy. You’re exhausted and misunderstood and I applaud you, my friend. (And we’ll probably come around twice because we love Whole Foods natural candy…but can’t afford it.) Keep fighting, Sisters!
4. Raisins, Carrot Sticks, or any Types of Fruits and Vegetables
Why do you hate children? What have they ever done to you?
5. Coloring Books, Crayons, Pencils, Erasers, Stickers, Tattoos, and Other Non-Candy Treats
You’re rockin’ awesome; that’s what you are! And we moms out there LOVE you! Our kids pretty much dig it, too, while they’re coming down off the sugar shock; a quiet activity is exactly what they need. You are most likely a former teacher or a dentist and we love and appreciate your thoughtfulness.
6. Fruit Snacks
You’re a mother of young children who knows that kids have no idea that fruit snacks aren’t candy and they will do anything (including scrub a toilet) to get some. Some are even made with vegetables! Yay! You probably also hide vegetables in your kids’ food by steaming and pureeing them and adding them to cheese sauce. Nice work, you!
You’re a man with no kids. Not nice, bra’. Not nice. I’ll be thinking of you while I’m picking gum out of my carpet. @#?!
8. Religious Tracts
You don’t celebrate Halloween because taking candy from neighborhood friends is exactly like human sacrifices and dang it, you’re not doing that! It’s okay, we love you anyway and we love Jesus too, so…it’s all good. (And we really do have way too much candy.)
9. Pixie Stix, Fun Dip, Bottle Caps, Candy Cigarettes or Any Other Retro Candy (Like Those Waxy Coke Bottles Filled with Colored Sugar Syrup!)
You, my friend, are a Halloween master. Can we move in? You’re watching The Breakfast Club in there too, aren’t you? Clearly you’re the one having the party everyone comes to and talks about for the next ten years. You’re my hero and I’m probably not cool enough to get on the invite list.
10. Easter Candy, Valentines Chocolates, and Candy Canes Out on the Porch Under a Sign That Says “Doorbell Broken”
You’re clearing out your cupboards, aren’t you? You’ve got three or more kids under 10, the baby is sick, and you didn’t get to the store. The good news is, this crap lasts forever. It’ll do. What you really need is a nap and a shower. And change your shirt, it’s got spitup on it and smells like sour milk (not your fault, but you’ll feel better). You might also want to lie on your bed and just cry for a bit. What’s that saying? Cry when the baby cries, or something. It’ll get better. Sort of.