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Dear 30-Year-Old Man-Child Who Got His Girlfriend Pregnant and Can't Handle It

I saw your self-indulgent post on Reddit, where you opened up and shared your innermost feelings about that time you got your girlfriend pregnant when you didn't mean to and now you're just wrecked. Well, sweetheart, sex makes babies. You didn't wrap it up or wait for the perfect mate and now you're fathering a child with a near stranger you met six months ago. It's not ideal and it's understandable that you're worried. But here's the thing. You're not special. You weren't going to be the next Bill Gates. You don't have a right to an unencumbered life, free from consequences. That's the bad news. Here's the good news: You are going to love your baby, and God-willing, you are going to feel real guilt about wanting your girlfriend to kill it.

I know you are a victim of your culture that told you it's okay for a thirty-year-old man to behave like a fifteen-year-old, avoiding responsibility and indulging yourself on Starbucks, free sex, and designer eyewear for all of your adult life instead of doing your duty as a man and making sure the species lives on. You weren't told that it is your duty to make sure the species is protected and sheltered within an intact family with you at its head, leading and guiding and rearing and loving. You were told you could wait for that as long as you wanted. That children are something to be planned and brought into the world only when you are exactly in the right spot in life and you feel it's time for the baby fairy to plop your progeny into your lap. But science is against you. Your 25-year-old girlfriend's eggs are dying every day. Her refusal to abort could be the result of her inner knowledge that she doesn't have much baby-making time left. This could be her only shot. You're not getting any younger, either, and contrary to popular thought, you've probably already peaked. Your sexual currency is lowering by the year. You're thirty. Thirty is middle-aged. You know that business you wanted to start? You should have done that already (not that you can't still do it, but what the heck are you waiting for?). You're very concerned that this baby is going to bankrupt you. Do not believe it.

The first four years of a baby's life are pretty inexpensive. First of all, encourage breastfeeding. Formula is ridiculous. Your girlfriend (who you should make your wife as soon as possible) can feed that baby for free for the first year of its life. After that, toddlers barely eat anything. Mine eats crayons, cardboard, and pretzels. He's cheap. They don't really start eating you out of house and home until they're on a football team of some sort. Further, cloth diapering is back. You can get them used on eBay for a song. I probably spent $150 for one year of diapers. That's a huge savings. Then there will be people bringing boxes of baby clothes to your door for free. Just let any mother know you need baby clothes and she will dig around in her basement and bring you beautiful barrels of clothes. I have three years' worth in my basement for my son. I paid $0 for his wardrobe. You have insurance, so doctor visits should be covered. The birth itself will be a little pricey, but after that, you have about four years before that kid is going to take any classes like gymnastics or dance or jiu jitsu (which will start to add up). But what I'm trying to say is that you have time to figure it out. You have a lot of time.