If You're Still Wiping Your 12-Year-Old's Butt I'm Blaming You for the End of Western Civilization

There is no excuse for a twelve-year-old to not wipe his own butt. And there is even less excuse for any mother who is doing it. If this is you, you are going to be responsible for the downfall of mankind. Congratulations!

I know what some of you are thinking. "Twelve is absurd but six is still little." And I agree. But ask yourself, can your six-year-old operate a glowing handheld device and shoot aliens with incredible dexterity and build cities out of pixels? I assure you, that same child can also wipe his butt (and operate any household machine like the dishwasher or washing machine). When the government decided 27-year-olds were still children so they could stay on Daddy's insurance, I thought we had gone off the rails. But now mommies are wiping their tweens' butts. Where does this end?

Barbarians chopping off our heads. That's where.