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Lenin Evaluates Democratic Candidates for 2020

Comrades,

I know what you think I, Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, have risen from my mausoleum by Kremlin Wall Red Square as amusement for Day of Fools of April.

Not so! Trust me, bolsheviki, I do not play idle game in honor reactionary bourgeois holiday invented to drug proletariat with bad jokes.

We are at moment history very grave. Mueller Report is disaster and orange-haired robber baron who tweet imperialist lies to working class will once again be president American States.

Our old comrade John Brennan promised this would not happen, swore so, but, alas, tovariches, as I told Zinoviev at Second International, even best friend not to be trusted. The revolutionary checks twice!

So now… “What Is to Be Done” – part two….

We do not want to make mistake of past. We must not overreach. Stalin, Pol Pot, Ho, Maduro, Tom Hayden, Sean Penn, even Mao try to do too much too soon. Everything take time.

That is why necessary examine Democratic candidates carefully. Those with big mouth die quickly. Those with sloppy hands die faster.

But first—important. More Mueller report only make worse, make easier for Trump. Enough of Mueller and FISA. Smart revolutionary shut up about this. Learn from errors. Send Adam Schiff to Gulag or Amerikansky version of Lubyanka if he keep talking. I not like Beria but he knew how to handle these idioty.

Also this Nadler. Shove him down hole or send to Israel where no doubt they eat alive or turn into matzo balls for Passover. Tant pis pour lui, as French say.

Now that we take care of “useful idiots” – I know, I never say that, but pretend – back to candidates.

As I said, group very distressing. Not even good hothead, like Trotsky. But we examine anyway.

Okay, the old man Biden with hands and hair plugs. Did not think possible but dumber than Brezhnev. Doesn’t he know girls make fun of men with plugs? No wonder he kiss ladies hair like senile vampire. If Biden nominee, make Trump president for life and install gold escalator White House.

That other old man Bernie – more communist than I am and I start Russian Revolution. (I think he was with me at Finland Station. Anyway someone like him. Pete Seeger? Woody Guthrie? Norman Thomas?) This is crazy for America 2020. Too many people with fat 401K. Nobody really believe in socialism except Hollywood stars who think it get them part with Warren Beatty in remake of “Reds.” Besides, tovariches, between us, everyone know socialism stink as economic system. Is about control. Never say you socialist in Ameriki until we win. Otherwise you ruin everything. (Read this book first.)

Skinny boychik with fake Spanish name, the one from Texas with rich wife who stares at him like Renaissance painting– is he old enough to vote? Looks like kids in Red Army ended up as horsemeat during Siege of Leningrad. Yes, I was gone by then, but I watch. Would be good scoutmaster or director of afterschool program at local YMCA. But president? Maybe chess club if he knows rules.

I understand also women running in spirit of Rosa Luxembourg or La Pasionaria. Mao said, “Women hold up half the sky” but in polls they get two percent of vote. What is wrong? Not right women? Nobody knows if they women anymore? Very confusing. I think the one from California remind everybody of their ex-wife or is their ex-wife. Or maybe that is the one from New York who changes her mind more than that man Kerry who was in Vietnam. (He came to mausoleum and told me. Three times.) And the one from Massachusetts who makes powwow food in recipe book. This is what has become of United States? Maybe Khrushchev right when he pound shoe at UN and said “We will bury you!” Too bad we no longer there to do it.

See what I mean how sad situation is for Bolsheviki. There are dozens Democratic candidates and not one decent except one guy from middle nowhere no one heard of with name nobody figure how to pronounce. Maybe we should give him good Russian name like Shostakovich or Rimsky-Korsakov. Also, I hear he is man in marriage with man. This, as you may know, not popular in Russia and against law except very short time after Revolution when there was gay marriage Petrograd.

Was I for or against? I will tell you next time. Now I must go back to mausoleum aka Mavzoléy Lénina. See you on campaign trail, tovariches.