Woman Who Married Herself Cheats On Herself

I have some news. It’s been a long time coming, and I thought she’d never ask, but she finally popped the question. I’m getting married! To myself. It just feels right, you know? Myself and I have known each other for such a long time. Our whole lives really. I know so much about me, and I know so much about me too. We’re so close, it feels like we’re the same person. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with. It’s time to make an honest woman of myself and settle down. I mean, we want to have kids and we’re not getting any younger. The time is just right. I hope you’ll come.

Actually, none of that was true. I’d never marry myself. I’d drive myself crazy. Oh, also the idea of marrying yourself is weird. And dumb. But that doesn’t mean people don’t do it. Of course it doesn’t. It even has a name: sologamy.

According to Wikipedia (which I normally wouldn’t consult to find an official definition for something, but it’s sologamy so who the heck cares?), sologamy “is marriage by a person to oneself.” But this is not helpful. That doesn’t mean anything. Apparently, the whole thing has something to do with “self-love, and self-compassion.” I’m sorry — I can’t even — let’s move on.

This whole sologamy thing is actually kind of old news. The most recent sologamist (my word processor doesn’t recognize this word which I think should prove it’s not a thing) was Italian native Laura Mesi, who made headlines this past September when she married herself in front of 70 guests. But the trend goes as far back as 2006 when Alexandra Gill married herself in a ceremony that included seven other women (who were also marrying themselves, not each other . . . I think). In 2015 a PR consultant in Britain named Sophie Tanner married herself and even had her father give her away.

But Sophie (and presumably Sophie since she married herself so there must be two of her? I don’t think I have the hang of this yet) is making headlines again. Poor Sophie (or maybe Sohpie, I’m not sure which) has gone and cheated on herself. Yup, this is an actual headline from UK’s The Week: “Woman who married herself ‘cheats on herself.” (I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks.)

It seems that Sophie had a relationship with another sologamist, Ruari Barrett, who used to be a polyamorist but married himself in Vegas. (I’m sorry, I give up.) But I guess Ruari wasn’t over the whole polyamory thing because he had an extramarital affair with Sophie, which counts as cheating even though neither one of them was actually married to anybody else. I’ve been told this is actually not a joke.