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Woman Who Married Herself Cheats On Herself

I have some news. It’s been a long time coming, and I thought she’d never ask, but she finally popped the question. I’m getting married! To myself. It just feels right, you know? Myself and I have known each other for such a long time. Our whole lives really. I know so much about me, and I know so much about me too. We’re so close, it feels like we’re the same person. I can’t think of anyone else I’d rather spend the rest of my life with. It’s time to make an honest woman of myself and settle down. I mean, we want to have kids and we’re not getting any younger. The time is just right. I hope you’ll come.

Actually, none of that was true. I’d never marry myself. I’d drive myself crazy. Oh, also the idea of marrying yourself is weird. And dumb. But that doesn’t mean people don’t do it. Of course it doesn’t. It even has a name: sologamy.

According to Wikipedia (which I normally wouldn’t consult to find an official definition for something, but it’s sologamy so who the heck cares?), sologamy “is marriage by a person to oneself.” But this is not helpful. That doesn’t mean anything. Apparently, the whole thing has something to do with “self-love, and self-compassion.” I’m sorry — I can’t even — let’s move on.

This whole sologamy thing is actually kind of old news. The most recent sologamist (my word processor doesn’t recognize this word which I think should prove it’s not a thing) was Italian native Laura Mesi, who made headlines this past September when she married herself in front of 70 guests. But the trend goes as far back as 2006 when Alexandra Gill married herself in a ceremony that included seven other women (who were also marrying themselves, not each other . . . I think). In 2015 a PR consultant in Britain named Sophie Tanner married herself and even had her father give her away.

But Sophie (and presumably Sophie since she married herself so there must be two of her? I don’t think I have the hang of this yet) is making headlines again. Poor Sophie (or maybe Sohpie, I’m not sure which) has gone and cheated on herself. Yup, this is an actual headline from UK’s The Week: “Woman who married herself ‘cheats on herself.” (I couldn’t make this stuff up, folks.)

It seems that Sophie had a relationship with another sologamist, Ruari Barrett, who used to be a polyamorist but married himself in Vegas. (I’m sorry, I give up.) But I guess Ruari wasn’t over the whole polyamory thing because he had an extramarital affair with Sophie, which counts as cheating even though neither one of them was actually married to anybody else. I’ve been told this is actually not a joke.

But apparently, according to Sophie, sologamists are allowed to sleep with other people because it turns out that marrying yourself doesn’t mean that you have to be totally committed to yourself. So it isn’t actually a real marriage after all. Except that Sophie and other sologamists say it is. Which I guess means at least one of us isn’t sure what the word “marriage” means. Time to check Wikipedia.

But, really, it seems like the point of this whole ridiculous endeavor is actually kind of sad. As Sophie explained on British television show “This Morning,” marrying yourself is a way of saying that “self-compassion and self-care is as important as romantic love.” So, basically, people like Sophie feel so bad about themselves and their self-worth that they need to have a ceremony in front of all their friends and family (who are probably secretly making fun of them) to commit to not feeling totally terrible about themselves all the time.

On the other hand, maybe this is really just an elaborate way for single people to throw themselves a big party, be the center of attention, and wear a fancy dress. Either way, I think it’s pretty clear why none of these sologamists has found an actual partner.