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The Top 7 Reasons You Should Hate Babies

1. They’re lazy

Is there anything lazier than a baby? I mean, even shiftless career welfare bums walk out of the house to the mailbox to get a check. Give a baby a can of oysters with an EZ-open pull tab and the baby will literally starve to death because he doesn’t want to put in the effort it takes to open it up. The really young ones are so lazy they won’t even hold their heads up. Give me a break!

2. They’re totally selfish

Does your baby ever ask you how your day is going? Does he ever clean his own diaper? Can he even refrain from yowling like the Krampus is eating his foot on Christmas morning when he wants something? No, he can’t. Know why? He’s totally selfish. It’s all me, me, me with babies. Grow up, you selfish little [email protected]

3. They’re creepy

They often stare at you and drool. If a grown man did that, you’d call the police. Then, they lie there staring absent-mindedly at any bright object in the room while they chew on anything they can manage to shove in their mouths -- just what someone possessed by a demon might do. That doesn’t mean all babies are possessed by a demon, but if they were, could we really tell the difference?