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The 7 Keys to Depressing Yourself

Sure, some people seem to have a genetic advantage when it comes to getting depressed, but that’s not most people. Most people depress themselves, unintentionally. However, if you want to guarantee that you’re depressed, you can’t leave it to chance. Instead, you need to methodically follow these steps until you’re deeply depressed.

1. Focus on depressing things

I’m a happy person, but if I spend an hour thinking about putting my dog to sleep, women who broke my heart, people I love dying, and every crushing failure I’ve ever experienced, I’ll FEEL TERRIBLE. As I said, I’m a happy person, so I seldom do this, but there are people who have found a way to spend DECADES focused like a laser beam on traumatic memories from their past. These people are champions of depression!

2. Isolate yourself at home

If you want to be depressed, the LAST THING you should ever want to do is see another person who might cheer you up. It’s much safer to just isolate yourself at home where there’s no one else to make you feel better. Plus, if you stay by yourself, it’s much easier to maintain the false illusion that no one cares. Bonus points!

3. “Sadden” up your posture

Listen, buddy, no one who has his chin held high and his chest out as he stands up straight, bounces around, and grins like he just killed Baby Hitler is going to be depressed for very long. If you want to depress yourself, you need to adopt a depressed posture. Hold your head down, slump your shoulders and make yourself as small as possible while you wrinkle up your bottom lip into a pout and you’ll start feeling that sadness flow through you.