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Don't Open That Big Black Sarcophagus in Egypt!

 

Sometimes I think the world suffers from a shortage of pop culture, particularly horror pop culture, U.S. version.

Take the news today:  "A Massive, Black Sarcophagus Has Been Unearthed in Egypt, And Nobody Knows Who's Inside."

Is there any conceivable universe in which this doesn’t end with “the world succumbed to the wrath of Amenhotep”? (who for some reason one of my sons believes is the divinity whose power created the animated mummy we know as Harry Reid.  I keep telling him it was just a pharaoh).

Or at least invaded by vampires, with Brendan Fraser making a last desperate stand somewhere?

And yet, the article linked doesn’t say “and then we covered it up, poured concrete over it to a depth of forty feet and had the priests of all known (and some unknown) religions say blessings over the whole thing so it would stay buried.”

No, instead it reveals they have every intention of “studying” the find.

Seriously, the article says things like this:

…we'll have to wait and see if the identity of the buried Egyptian can be determined. But a sarcophagus of this size could mean someone of pretty high status.

Have they never watched the Mummy movies?

Or at least read The Adversary Cycle by F. Paul Wilson, which starts with the discovery of something mysterious in a tomb.  The something mysterious is the emissary of evil … aliens or elder gods, or whatever you want to call them, who want to subvert our entire reality and turn it into a place fit only for them.

Heck, even my own Sword and Blood starts with the idea of a tomb opened (okay, in Eastern Europe.  I thought Egypt was too passé but you know, reality doesn’t have to be hip) and the king of vampires freed to create new vampires, who slowly take over the world.

And yet the person writing the article is blithely oblivious to the danger in which the world stands.  Witness:

It's a fascinating find for archaeologists. Ayman Ashmawy from the Egypt Ministry of Antiquities says the layer of mortar still intact between the lid and the body of the coffin indicates it hasn't been opened since it was sealed more than 2,000 years ago.

That's particularly rare for a site like this – ancient Egyptian tombs have often been plundered and damaged over the centuries, which means archaeologists rarely find a final resting place that's still intact like this one appears to be.

Fools! Fools, I tell you.  I used to think that the protagonists of horror movies, who blithely go exploring the basement, or climb to the attic tracking a strange noise, were implausible, but obviously, these archeologists are just as blithely self-destructive.

Really, what part of “the layer of mortar still intact” and “sealed more than 2000 years ago” when this is obviously pretty rare does NOT ring alarms?

If they’re not going to encase it in cement and have various priests and shamans seal it for eternity, maybe they should at least have some mystic feel for an evil presence within the sarcophagus.  Or at least scan it or something.  Sure, that’s a little dangerous as the rays — though not as dangerous as the bite of radioactive spiders — might wake the fell being within, but it’s not as dangerous as actually, you know, opening the sarcophagus.

I mean, seriously, there’s this too:

Oh, and then there's the large alabaster head discovered in the same underground tomb. Experts are assuming it represents whoever is buried in the sarcophagus, though that's yet to be confirmed.

 

 

Look at that picture.  Do you see the protean, hazy look of it? Like it’s something not quite human, waiting to coalesce?

Can this get any more scary?

It could contain an alien.

 

Or this dread horror.

 

Or even, you know… I hesitate to even mention it, but since Harry Reid retired from political life, the dread powers that made him undead in ancient Egypt might be looking for another vessel to do their unclean deeds in the U.S. Senate.

Have we contemplated the horror of a younger-looking, perhaps more apt undead-Harry Reid in American politics?  Can't you see where it might lead?

Seriously?  Haven’t we suffered enough?

 

We’re seriously in H.P. Lovecraft territory here:

“That is not dead which can eternal lie, yet with stranger aeons, even Death may die.”

Indeed.  And the archeologists would do well to heed this other Lovecraft quote:

“We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.”

As for me, I’m going to figure out how to join my friend Larry Correia’s Monster Hunters.  Yes, I know they’re supposed to be fictional.  But in a world in which people open the tombs of Egypt to reveal possibly Mummies, the Adversary, vampires or even (shudder) Harry Reid, I want the Monster Hunters to exist.

Whatever comes out of that tomb, I want to meet it with massive firepower.

Because it’s the only way to be sure.

Particularly if it’s a second Undead Harry Reid with political ambitions.