'Consent Apps' Allow Guys to Get Consent for Sex from Drunk Strangers in the Name of Feminism
Want to have random, meaningless sex with a stranger, but worried she might accuse you of rape when she wakes up the next morning with a hangover and realizes you’re ugly and she should have listened to that one religious friend who’s always talking about not hooking up with people she doesn't know? Don’t worry, there’s an app for that! It’s called uConsent. Here’s how it works:
Type in the sex act you want to perform with your potential hookup. Remember to be as graphically specific as possible to avoid all your weird fantasies being revealed later in court documents. (Much better to reveal them only to a total stranger in the bathroom of a nightclub which you stumbled into by mistake thinking it was the men’s room.) Then read what you wrote aloud (for optimal humiliation). Your partner types her answer to your request into her phone and a barcode is created. Tap your phones together (in an imitation of the act you are about to perform) and the information is stored to a secure cloud-based database (to be accessed at a later date by a potential employer).
Since hooking up with a stranger is the mark of a good feminist, but men are all monsters who might rape us at any minute, an app that requires written consent for sex is exactly the kind of mood-killing, fear-inducing sex aid every feminist needs. According to Forbes, consent apps are “unlikely to be seen by anyone as a bad thing.”
But the people who really benefit from apps like this, it seems to me, are creeps. All an ungentlemanly jerk needs to do is get a girl so drunk she has no idea where she is or what she’s doing (which shouldn’t be too hard in the age of getting-wasted-and-hooking-up-is-a-feminist-statement), have her download the app, “consent” to whatever weird thing you want her to do, and abracadabra your sleaziness just went legit.
But how could an app created in the name of feminism do anything other than uphold a woman’s right to act completely recklessly? Surely miscommunications arise during sexual encounters because men are pigs who don’t know how to take no for an answer. It couldn’t possibly be because two people who just met a minute and a half ago don’t actually know each other well enough to read each other's nonverbal cues. No, no, that can’t possibly be it.
If these consent apps have flaws, it must be because they don’t go far enough. Maybe, after you tap your phones together, a lawyer could suddenly pop out of your phone and sit quietly in the corner taking notes while you have sex. He wouldn’t interrupt, of course, just document everything you do in case you have to go to court. You wouldn’t even know he was there.
Or maybe they could include a live-stream feature where video of you and the random person you’ve chosen to have sex with can be streamed to the phone of a chosen friend of the woman. That person can watch carefully for the duration of your sexual activity and, if she feels like anything untoward is happening, she can just press a button and start screaming at your partner through your phone.
Apparently there are some potential changes coming to the uConsent app. A “panic button” would allow either person to turn their “yes” into an immediate “no.” Which is all well and good if you’re having sex with your phone. When having sex with an actual person it seems like maybe the panic button should call — oh, I don’t know — the police. I mean, if something’s happening that you don’t like, presumably you should try saying something about it before reaching for your phone and amending your contract. But, what do I know? I’m so un-feminist I don’t even hook up with strangers!
There is also the possibility of adding a “state-of-mind test” which would determine if the users are drunk. But if they’re not drunk, why are they randomly hooking up? Seems like there are a few kinks that need to be ironed out. Starting with wanting to have sex with a stranger!