Unhinged 'Professor' Whose Hissy Fit at NYU Went Viral Turns Out to Be Lobster Porn Artist

 

There are more lifestyles than you can shake a stick at in modern America. Whether you want to live as an animal, or a six-year-old, or a lizard, there's just no end to the choices one can make regarding how you live your life these days in the free world. (This may be our penance for the invention of robot vacuum cleaners. With no physical labor left to do, human beings turn insane, apparently.) How exactly do you tell your parents you've decided to go into "lobster porn" like social media sensation Rebecca Goyette, whose expletive-filled hissy fit outside NYU went viral (NSFW). I imagine the conversation went something like this via email.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I know you had high hopes that I would take my art degree and perhaps teach children to paint or create beautiful landscapes to sell to tourists in some tropical location, but none of that is going to happen. I wanted you to know your money was well spent because I have found a niche in the performance art community: Lobster porn. 

What is lobster porn? I sew massive lobster claws onto my hands and flop around on the floor pretending to have sex with men wearing giant cloth penises I made with that sewing machine you bought me for Christmas. It's groundbreaking stuff. The Huffington Post even reported on it (seriously) in its art section. I'm a success! Please tell Grandma!

When I'm not doing crustacean kink, I'm writing and starring in satanic porn films about the Salem witch trials (since great great great great great Grandma Rebecca Nurse was horribly murdered by Puritans and generations later I'm still haunted by it because everyone in art school is really impressed by my trauma). The fact that I've turned to satanism and witchcraft should in no way cause anyone concern that our great relative might have actually been a witch. It's just a coincidence. 

Anyway, love you to pieces. Sending photos from my last art show where I displayed a painting of a bound Donald Trump getting his penis cut off with shears. Please send money...this penis fabric is really expensive!

Toodles!

Rebecca

In the viral video she can be heard shouting at the police that they should be beating up "neo-Nazis" (instead of protecting Gavin McInnes [who was speaking at an event] from the fascists in the crowd who pepper-sprayed him in the face).

Repeatedly during the video, Goyette claimed to be a professor. What's funny about that is the minute she said it, the entire Twitterverse collectively nodded and thought, "Of course she is." So imagine our surprise when an investigation discovered she was not a professor but is, in fact, a "lobster porn" performance "artist." If you've never heard of lobster porn, I beg you not to Google it like I did. I saw things that can't be unseen and believe me, I wish I hadn't.