In Defense of Cats

3) Dogs are better pets.

John's reasoning needs to be revealed:

Dogs have spent thousands of years earning the title “man’s best friend” while cats spent that time perfecting the art of spitting up hairballs. Your dog would rather sleep outside on the ground with you than inside a warm, comfortable house. Your cat is kind of hoping you’ll die so he can eat you. Dogs use the bathroom outside. Cats stink up your house by insisting on using a litter box. Dogs are renowned for their loyalty. Cats are mainly known for murdering small animals and dropping them in front of their owners in an attempt to horrify and intimidate them.

Cats spit up hairballs because they are smart enough to clean themselves. Oh, they'll allow you to brush them when they are of a mind to sit still long enough. But this is a bonding exercise -- they really don't need it.

And what are you doing sleeping outside on the cold ground, John? This is a sign of intelligence? Cats -- and their masters -- know better to come in out of the cold and sleep in a warm bed.

And those small animals murdered by cats carry disease and pestilence. In the Middle Ages when Europe carried out felinicide and nearly wiped out the cat population, the black plague -- a disease borne by fleas carried by rats -- killed 75% of humans on the continent. Needless to say, a healthy population of urban cats would have nipped the plague in the bud.

Do dogs have the capability of saving humanity?

4) Dogs are happy and fun while cats are generally annoying.

There is no animal on planet earth more attuned to humans than cats. Because of this, they sense immediately whether you approve of them or not. If you are scared of them, they make it a point to jump on your lap and look at you with that baleful predator stare. If you find them annoying, you are likely to get the "figure 8" treatment. This is when you are walking into another room and the cat moves effortlessly between your legs, making figure eights, back and forth, hoping you will trip over your own feet and go crashing to the floor. It amuses them to know that they annoy you and can actually turn your annoyance to rage.

Don't mess with cats, man. They'll make you sorry you ever met them.

5) Cats would murder you if they could.

"Murder" is a little strong. Yes, it's true that when you catch a cat sitting in the middle of the room and staring at you he is thinking only one thing -- lunch. But this is part of the cat's charm. They aren't thinking of attacking and killing you. They are mulling over their options on how best to manipulate you to get you to do their bidding. A well-modulated "meow," a perfectly timed leap into your lap, or the strategic headbutt usually work equally well in tugging at our heartstrings and getting us to do our master's bidding.

I have been kept by cats for more than 40 years and rejoice in my slavery. Once you recognize the cat's superiority to humans -- and dogs -- you gladly allow yourself to be captured by them. It is a privilege to be enslaved by a beast whose ineffable qualities give us such pleasure, and whose aloofness and other-worldliness delight and mystify us.

Did I mention I love dogs too?