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Grown Women Don't Read Twilight: Here's an Alternative (That Just Might Save America)

Let's consider a stereotypical suburban mom.

She's upset about all the mayhem she hears about on the news.

Another school shooting! Why do other people need all those horrible guns?

Why do other people's children turn out so horribly?

She wonders this while racing her daughter to yet another extracurricular activity -- because it's easier and more pleasant than actually having to -- ugh! -- spend too much time alone with a fourteen year old.

The SUV's CD player blasts out another Katy Perry song -- or is it last year's American Idol? -- about "loving yourself" and being a "hottie" or a "single lady" or something. Mom can't make out all the words.

Her daughter knows them by heart, though.

Her daughter wants a tattoo one day. What can mom say? She's got a butterfly on her ankle.

As for a tongue piercing, well, mom thinks they're just jewelry and doesn't know what those are really for.

Dad does, but isn't saying. Life's easier and quieter when he keeps his mouth shut.