I Kid You Not: The Top 4 Reasons I Don't Have Children

#2 -- Genetics

I realize concepts like probability and DNA can be tough to master – just ask the OJ jury – but even an egomanic like me doesn’t think the world needs another Aspie, alcoholic, arthritic almost-midget who makes Wednesday Addams look like Heidi.

Genes are a bitch. Know why I’m 4’11”? Because my Scottish great-grandmother (or was it great-great-?) had a fling with a jockey. I’m supposed to be proud that he was, I’ve been assured, “one of the greatest jockeys in all of Scotland.” Super. That and a few bucks gets me a (short) espresso.

It used to be more acceptable to scold childless women for being "selfish."

Frankly, what would be selfish would be thinking my genetic material is worth duplicating.