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The Nuts on Doomsday Preppers Wouldn't Last a Week

Songwriter "Big Al" lives in Nashville, TN, and fears a massive Russian nuclear strike against the United States. For most of us, that fear began fading with the end of the Cold War, but Al thinks our present government is weak (no argument there) and Vladimir Putin just crazy enough to trigger a nuclear war.

To survive the nuclear attack he expects, Al invested in an underground bunker ... 1,800 miles away from his home.

Upon hearing that data point, I mostly tuned out Al. I don't claim to be a nuclear weapons expert, but I'm fairly certain they aren't typically delivered via mule-pulled carts that would let you trek across half a continent before detonation.

I would note that Al does live in his underground bunker three months a year on a diet of "bunker stew," so if there was an attack, he does stand a one-in-four chance of actually being there if a nuclear attack occurs. Surviving it is another matter. Al plans to use a wood stove for heating and cooking if the worst happens. In an airtight bunker. At least carbon monoxide poisoning is a less painful way to go than an endless diet of bunker stew.

After Al, we were introduced to Jason Beacham, a 15-year-old young man in rural Missouri prepping for anarchy following an economic collapse. His mother, Shellene Beacham, said Jason had always been a "worrywart," concerned about things none of his peers are. Were I Shellene, I'd be concerned more about turning her back on Jason than his preparations. As several commenters noted on Twitter during the show, Jason gives off a certain "serial killer in training" vibe, which was not helped in the slightest when he dispassionately informed his long-suffering mother that if the worst happened, he would likely strike out without her, leaving her behind to her fate. His eyes suggested he'd rather be torturing a kitten.

The only two people Jason seems to care about are another pair of knuckleheads his age that he has deduced he can use to further his own survival. Neither one of them has any more sense than he, and during their overnight "field exercise" they almost burned themselves out of a structure they used as a shelter. Dahmer Jr. seems to prefer meals that can set a fire and cook themselves.