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If I Were Queen: My First 3 Acts Upon Becoming Your Beloved Empress For Life

3. Nuke Afghanistan

No later than 2pm ET on September 11, 2001, President Bush should have deployed tactical nuclear weapons to Tora Bora.

Imagine it: Thousands of American (and Canadian) lives spared and many more disabilities avoided. Trillions of dollars saved. An unequivocal message sent.

Yes, it’s almost eleven years too late to “send this message.” Don’t argue with me: I’m in charge, remember?

America nuked Japan, twice, and frankly they don’t seem that busted up about it.

In fact, Japan (and Germany, which we firebombed into submission) have since been awfully quiet, if not downright productive, making their cute little cars and gadgets.

Of course, that was because we crushed both countries first, did the whole “de-Nazification” deal, then instituted the Marshall Plan and its equivalents.

In Afghanistan, we bypassed the whole “unconditional surrender and humiliation” part and went straight to the free presents. Dumb.

True, Japan and Germany both had high cultures they could recreate following the war.

(I’ll leave it to others to ponder why the two most “civilized” nations of their era turned into the two most barbarous.)

Alas, Afghanistan has no such culture. The sexual abuse of boys and girls is downright celebrated. Other than those neat “war rugs,” one of which I own, they produce nothing of particular artistic merit.

They not only don’t have their own Sistine Chapel, they don’t even have a Stonehenge.

So I doubt they’d have the ability to put out even the cheesiest equivalent of a Godzilla picture, post-nuke.

However, they don’t waste much time worrying about us, so I’m not inclined to worry about them.

There are other places on my gotta-go list, but I acknowledge that we can destroy UN headquarters more responsibly using conventional weapons.

In fact, we could hold a lottery. The winner gets the honor of pushing the implosion button at Turtle Bay.