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If I Were Queen: My First 3 Acts Upon Becoming Your Beloved Empress For Life

And these fantasies reveal the embarrassing truth that I’m a libertarian for myself -- and a conservative for everyone else.

OK: maybe "fascist" is more accurate.

My split personality really comes out when I watch Parking Wars.

Half of me sides with the park-ers, who are, in their own pathetic way, giving the finger to The Man.

"Who owns these roads anyhow? Aren’t there some rapists the law could be chasing? We’re forced to pay your salary, Mr. Uniformed Drone" -- and so forth.

Then the parking enforcement guy shows up, and I switch sides.

"I hate people who are always trying to get away with stuff. What if we all broke the rules? Throw the book – or at least, the ticket – at ‘em!"

So you can see why putting me in charge of anything, let alone the world, would be a mistake.

I’m afraid that, armed with that much power, my inner dictator would win the day.

I know this because my first duty upon taking the throne would be to...