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How To Be an Amateur Wine Snob in 5 Easy Steps

I admit it: I am an amateur wine snob. An amateur wine snob is a person who knows enough about wine to be annoyingly high-maintenance, picky, and impressive. It is someone who can get an enormous amount of sensory pleasure from a good wine and who can say things like, "I want a well-balanced Cab and if I can get my hands on a 2005 from Oregon I'll be really happy."

Are you impressed yet?

Becoming an amateur wine snob is not as hard as it appears to be. There may be a dizzying amount of information out there about wine, but so there is about most anything, and a small amount of information goes a long way.

As an amateur wine snob I would like to have a quality glass of wine when I go out to dinner. The problem is most restaurants in America serve crappy junk wine because most of you don’t know enough to ask for better and will drink the average swill without complaint. That $6 glass of California red you ordered probably cost the restaurant less than $3 for the bottle. Cheap. Junk. Because of the lack of wine snobbery in this country, I have to go out of my way to go somewhere that serves good wine and I HATE going out of my way. I would like wine snobbery to spread far enough so I can get a gorgeous dry red with well-balanced, ripened tannins at a McDonald's drive-thru. (Okay, well, maybe not the drive-thru.)

Here are five easy steps to join the illustrious ranks of the Amateur Wine Snobs of America.

Step 1: You have to want it.

Does wine give you a headache? Not so, my friend. CRAPPY wine gives you a headache! Guess what? If you have a quality wine, you can drink an entire bottle without getting a headache. This knowledge is understood by both wine snobs and every homeless drunk in the world.

Why else should you want to be a wine snob?

  • Impress your friends
  • Impress your date (This is true for men and women unless your date is Homer Simpsonish. Homer would just be annoyed and intimidated by your sophistication.)
  • Get a lot more pleasure out of a glass of wine
  • It’s heart healthy

Do you need more reasons? There aren’t any. If you are not motivated now, go have a Bud Lite and stop wasting my time.