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Contraception: The Good, the Bad and the Flaccid

For most people sex is a privilege, not a right.  There is an unfortunate minority for whom intercourse remains a distant hope, or worse, an impossible dream. Most of these people work in IT departments, and constitutionally probably only count as 3/5th of a person. So they can just toddle off and play with their Gameboys while the rest of us talk about contraception.

I started this column with the words that sex is a privilege, not a right. This is a true statement.  Unless you are a woman who calls O.J. Simpson or Ike Turner your significant other, chances are you are free to have a headache any time a random (or not so random) guy starts a conversation with a lascivious smile and the words “How you do’in?” Conversely, there are very few guys who are innocently walking down the street when a gang of horny women rip the clothing from their body and force him to give up his fluids at gunpoint. Whether we have sex or not is a conscious choice, not a random event. So why the hell should the federal government force insurance companies to provide birth control?

Let’s start with this fact: thanks to a media that is about as honest and genuine as a father’s day card from the Menendez brothers, a lot of people have forgotten exactly what “Health Insurance” is. For those whose minds have been twisted like salt water taffy over the issue, it’s time to go back to the bedrock of the situation. Health insurance was invented to help people defer the cost of medical care and was offered as perk from employers who had to fiercely compete for good employees in the boom following World War II. It was never intended to be a government mandate that financially covered the voluntary buffoonery that people willingly engage in.

At its base, health insurance is meant to be a financial cushion against the really bad things that can happen to us during the course of life. Cancer happens to people. Nobody can say “I’m just not in the mood tonight” and the cancer will go away. Cancer isn’t a choice. It is a life threatening random event that can wipe out a lifetime of savings while trying to fight it off.  I’m also sure nobody visits the Mustang Ranch and asks for the strep throat and salmonella package.  But federal government sure as hell wants those who pay insurance premiums to cover the birth control expenses for what does happen between a worker at the famous ranch and one of their patrons.

Let’s just drop the silliness that this is a woman’s health issue.  No woman ever uttered the words, “Gee, I better take my birth control pill before I get cancer.”  Conversely, no man has ever worn a condom like a compression sock in order to prevent varicose veins on his willy.  Sex is a voluntary activity, and contraception is the suggested safety equipment for those who want to play the recreational nookie game.  From an intellectually honest standpoint mandating that insurance cover birth control it is no different than demanding that the insurance companies to pay for a football players shoulder pads and helmet, or a leather jacket for those who recreationally ride motorcycles.

Birth control pills generally cost less than fifty dollars per month.  You can get condoms for the price of a cup of coffee.  If you frequent some really interesting truck stops one can pick up the sort of condoms that look like they were made for that thing from Alien for a few quarters.  If somebody can be expected to pay for other optional, recreational devices and services, such as cell phones and cable television, they can cover the cost of their own birth control.  Those who can’t afford to pay for birth control simply shouldn't have sex.  For some reason nobody wants to even mention that as an option.  Let’s just call that free, unsubsidized birth control.

Like any topic that comes out of the Obama administration, the contraception issue isn’t really about contraception.  The contraception issue is just a puppet show.  So while Obama plays an urban Sherry Lewis; putting the words in the mouth of Kathleen “Lamb Chop” Sebelius, nobody is talking about gas prices, the economy, or the real unemployment rate (not the doctored numbers that pour forth from the regime).  The real game here is about his re-election.

 The Obama administration and their surrogates are trying to invent a political issue from the pop culture dust.  What they have done is raise a completely irrational topic, such as suggesting that there are people out there who want to ban all contraception.  They ascribe this ridiculous position to the Republicans (none of whom have ever said they wanted to end a woman’s right to safely boink).  Lastly, they get their allies in the media to echo this position until hopefully everyone believes that conservatives want all women to be barefoot and pregnant.  It is no simpler than that.  There is more credibility to the statement that Obama hates white people than there is to the idea that Republicans want to end birth control.  Don’t get fooled by this obvious bit of tom foolery.