Iran Halts Nuclear Program Because 'Nice Diplomat' Asked Them To
In a shocking turn of events, after years of resistance Iran has unilaterally halted its own nuclear program. Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad spoke to reporters late yesterday and announced the “total and complete” abandonment of “all efforts” toward creating a nuclear bomb. He cited “really nice U.S. diplomat” as the reason.
“We were wholeheartedly committed to developing a nuclear bomb so that we could basically win the Middle East in its entirety for Allah, by destroying all of our enemies, in particular those Satans in Israel, but probably Saudi Arabia too, and anyone else who looked at us crosswise,” said Ahmedinejad. “We also really enjoyed shaking our little stick at the US and watching them bend over. But then this really nice man from the U.S. asked us to stop, so we did! We also gave the drone back. What do we need it for?”
Not many believed that a U.S. foreign policy of submissive, pandering wussiness could ever actually achieve anything. Critics of the policy of weakness came from both sides of the aisle and included current and former military generals. In spite of such rampant, intense opposition, Obama and the Clinton State Department have held firm to their policy of “making nice” with the Iranians, convinced of its efficacy as a universal foreign policy, but also because they simply like Islamic dictators. One of the most outspoken critics against the administration’s actions has been Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, who responded to the news of the halted Iranian program by saying, “I’m happy to be wrong.”
State Department officials said they knew the policy would work if they could just find the right, really nice guy for the job and that’s where Danny Carson comes in. “He’s an extremely likable guy,” said Hillary Clinton of their ace Iranian diplomat Danny. “Everyone likes him. I mean everyone. It’s really astonishing. Danny just has that boy-next-door charisma. And his laugh is so infectious! We knew he’d do a lot of good for us over in Iran and in other parts of the world.”
It was universally assumed by everyone but a few people high up in the administration, and Ron Paul, that nothing but a violent response would stop Iran from becoming a nuclear power. Only a few still held onto diplomacy, kindliness, and ass kissing as effective tools in dealing with the Islamic dictatorship since such tactics had never worked in the past in Iran, nor with any enemy of any country ever in the recorded history of mankind. Thankfully that didn’t stop Obama and those few at the top of the government who supported him because, they have succeeded and saved hundreds, if not thousands, of lives and ended the Iranian nuclear threat without shedding a drop of blood.
Danny Carson will be coming home to a hero’s welcome, but as you might expect from a nice guy, he doesn’t think he deserves it. Danny issued a press release saying he was just doing his job and thanking “Mo,” as he calls Mahmoud, for the warmth of his hospitality. Asked what he’ll be doing next, Secretary Clinton said jokingly he would be put to use going around to Tea Parties to convince them to vote for Obama in 2012.
Disclaimer: No politicians or Iranian dictators were hurt in the writing of this article, nor were they actually interviewed.
Sunny Lohmann is a political satirist whose videos have gotten a lot of attention in the blogosphere. Find out more about Sunny by checking out her blog, House of Sunny, follow her on Facebook here, and enjoy her most recent Youtube videos here: