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John Nampion Vs. Begunga Mike's Dating Guide for Neanderthals

He picked up a spiral-ring notebook that he had tossed onto the empty chair next to him. In it was the official Begunga Guide to Deciphering and Conquering The Top Ten Percent of All Ladies in the Entire United States. Actually it was an outline -- but personalized for my particular situation, based on a thorough perusal of my current matching site profile and my "chats" with the various women who had been kind enough to "converse" with me -- or even ignore me, as the case might be. It was pretty exhaustive -- and, in typical Mike fashion, blunt and direct.

He told me it was a good thing I was online -- because I would never have the guts to approach anyone at the grocery store or at a singles gathering or even at the full-service car-wash. I was to forever be handicapped directly into the cyber-pool.

He had bullet-pointed his patented steps to pay-dirt:

  • If you really enjoy meeting semi-homeless bus-line chicks on disability, then keep using that free site. I, however, can afford to pay my way -- and so can the ladies I want to meet.

  • Make sure your profile is vague. Get it? In other words, why do you want the top 10% to automatically eliminate you because you tell them right up front that you're conservative? And that you like discussing politics, and enjoy blogging for wacko, far-right websites? On-line females are far and away liberal and touchy-feely and want to save the whales and the raccoons and everything else. You can bring it up after you've had sex -- unless you're already on the way to someone else.

  • No one cares about your kids. Don't mention them. Ever. And that includes photos of them too.

  • Speaking of pictures, if all nine of yours are almost-identical shots of you with your ex-wife and kids at a birthday party from five years ago at Chuck E. Cheese's, then you've already violated every major rule. You're done.

Of course the list went on. It went totally against my grain on just about everything. After all, what was wrong with talking about my kids and their list of accomplishments -- I was proud of them, after all!

And why was it so verboten to include pictures of them or to discuss my likes and dislikes? Wasn't the whole point to meet someone who might like me the way I am?