April 14, 2021

NEWS YOU CAN USE? An FAQ About Your New Birth Control: The Music of Rush.

What’s in it?

Every woman deserves to know exactly what’s in her birth control. Rush is a Canadian progressive rock power trio whose golden era is generally considered to be from 1975 to 1982. Thankfully, for your long-term family planning strategy, the band has an extensive discography that spans from 1974 to 2012.

The music of Rush is marked by erratic signature changes, unconventional chord structures, heavy use of synthesizers and electronic effects, and, most importantly, lead vocals that sound like an ancient witch is being exorcised out of your body with live wires. In less clinical terms, imagine taking the most annoying parts of science fiction and Libertarianism, isolating them, and then somehow blending them up into a cursed musical slurry. Then, infuse that slurry with a distinctive incel vibe, and presto! You’ve got one of the most powerful contraception options on the market.

How effective is it?

No one has ever gotten pregnant while listening to the music of Rush. Clinical studies show that when combined with watching a male sexual partner play air bass along to the extended solo in “Freewill,” the contraceptive efficacy of Rush approaches 100%.

Will I experience any discomfort?

Yes.

Heh. Fly by night, step into the limelight, roll up the power windows on your red Barchetta and read the whole thing.

UPDATE (FROM GLENN): Never a huge fan of Rush — I liked “Fly By Night” and “Spirit of the Radio” — but while most Rush fans were male, the female fans were absolute freaks, which was nice.

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