It is hardly news to anyone that, for the past few decades, researchers, journalists and partners and parents everywhere have been discussing, debating and dissecting the division of labor in homes, especially in homes where partners have children. In the 1980s, Arlie Hochschild’s concept of “the second shift” articulated the phenomenon that, despite entering the workforce, women still took care of the majority of the household duties after they came home at night. Nowadays, this sort of work is sometimes called “invisible labor” because, as the argument goes, those who do it (usually women, according to the research) are doing it behind the scenes.
But are they? In my experience, making favorite meals, calling out spelling lists and helping pack the trunks for camp has placed me center stage. Sometime after my daughter was born, when I suddenly had two children under two, I complained to an older female friend about being the one who worked more hours at home while my husband put in more hours in the office. “But you get to be #1!” she said with a surprising level of enthusiasm. “I don’t want to be #1,” I replied, somewhat appalled. . . .
What I am suggesting is that, in many families, it is not only the amount of work that partners do or don’t do that is worth thinking about but also how visible that work is—and that men’s labor may be the most invisible of all.
It is not unusual for men I know, or who I work with as clients, to complain of being called the “emergency backup parent” by teachers or to feel like a “fifth wheel” in their own homes. That’s what you get when you lie on the couch and watch football, you might be thinking, but I don’t know many dads who do that anymore. In modern families, most moms and dads are working—in the office or in the home or on the soccer field or in the car—almost all of their waking hours.
Day to day, men do the mental work of thinking about their children and spouse as much as women. And on average, men spend more time than women taking care of finances, lawn care, technology support, trash collection and home and car maintenance—tasks that are often done out of sight.
And don’t forget that other feminist bugbear, “emotional labor.” Anyone who thinks that only women do emotional labor in a relationship, has never been in a relationship with a woman.