September 26, 2019

I’M OLD ENOUGH TO REMEMBER MONDAY, BEFORE THE NEWS CYCLE FLIPPED TO ALL IMPEACHMENT, ALL THE TIME: Greta Thunberg: Lisa Simpson Crossed with Bane.

Thunberg — think Lisa Simpson crossed with Bane — told the United Nations, “You have stolen my dreams and my childhood with your empty words.” Nah. On the contrary, Thunberg’s life has coincided with what are almost certainly the 16 best years in the entire history of humanity. If she wants to talk hard times, wait till she hears about my childhood, when grown-ups thought it was perfectly fine to move millions of machines around that spewed lead into their kids’ lungs. And mine of course, was the luckiest of all generations to that point.

Thunberg sailed to the U.S. on her famously eco-friendly yacht Publicity Stunt, which we later learned required two Europeans to fly over here to retrieve it. In the gonzo math of climate change, two flights plus a water crossing produce fewer moral emissions than one flight. The Thunbergians declared she would make up for this by buying climate credits, which is also what Al Gore and Leo DiCaprio say when they’re getting on a Gulfstream to fly to their next conference. If she just wanted to deliver a speech, though, why didn’t she spend the time it takes to cross the Atlantic planting trees instead and then speak unto us all from her bedroom? Maybe because “teen uploads YouTube video” is a stretch for even CNN to label BREAKING.

Like many a 16-year-old before her, Thunberg merely skimmed her assigned reading and has only a Cliff’s Notes understanding of the IPCC report on climate change, which she incorrectly characterized as giving us eleven years before the start of “an irreversible chain reaction beyond human control.” The report just doesn’t say that. The Thunbergians are to science what the Branch Davidians were to religion.

And this isn’t the first time the UN tried its “assault on reason,” (h/t: the Goreacle) with a previous mascot of the anointed:

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