December 14, 2017

ANN ALTHOUSE ROUNDS UP REACTIONS to that “Cat Person” story.

So when I was in high school, I rewrote Dorthy Parker’s “The Waltz” using all the original dialogue but from the viewpoint of the male dance partner. I got an A+. I was thinking about doing the same for this story, but my time is worth a lot more now than it was then. But if I did, the ending would be something like this:

Enough stewing, I said to myself. I should probably go to the gym, try to work off some of this weight. She didn’t seem to be into the “Dad bod,” despite what the magazines say.

At the gym, I left my unlocked iPhone in an unlocked locker, as one does. When I returned to the locker room, I saw that someone — a hacker? — had gotten on my phone and sent these texts:

“Are you fucking that guy right now”
“Are you”
“Are you”
“Are you”
“Answer me”
“Whore.”

I started to send a text apologizing and saying that it wasn’t me, someone had taken my unlocked phone from an unlocked locker at the gym. But then I thought: Who’d believe something like that? Best to let it lie, so I hit the showers.

Oh, wait, did I say I left my phone in the locker? I meant to say, my assistant left his phone, logged into my text app, in a locker in a different town. Sorry for the confusion!

I did a better job with “The Waltz,” but then, it was for a grade. And the ending was more believable.