December 21, 2015

15 MINUTES INTO THE FUTURE:

I am descended from a great and proud line of Hebrews extending back into antiquity who cannot deal with head colds very well. The good news is that after sleeping for most of the last 36 hours I’m through the worst of it. The bad news is that after all of the drugs and dreams I kind of feel like I just stepped through a wardrobe from a land where the hot new craze is “do-–it-yourself fecal transplants,” middle-aged men are becoming little girls, Leonardo DiCaprio has to deny he was raped by a bear, and Donald Trump is considered a statesman.

But then I realized that, no, no, those aren’t the false memories of my Nyquil vision quest, that’s America right now.

By the way, I was hoping that DiCaprio’s denial would involve insisting that all of the sex scenes with the bear were consensual. I particularly wanted to see the bear and DiCaprio do joint promotional interviews for the movie.

Mario Lopez: The first question I have to ask both of you about are these rape allegations . . .

DiCaprio: Let me stop you right there. We had something special. Calling it rape is insulting.

Katow-Jo: Mrrroorrr, frrr-thfft-thfft! [Subtitles: That’s exactly right, Mario.]

Lopez: Tell me more.

DiCaprio: Just think about . . .

Lopez: Excuse me, I was talking to Katow-Jo [DiCaprio chuckles awkwardly and light punches the grizzly in the arm].

Katow-Jo: Ggrrrrroowrrrrr-rrrrrroowwwwrrnnff-thwaaarrnnff [Subtitles: Sorry, Leo. Well, first of all Mario, it’s not like our love scene was over in a single take. We had to get all sorts of camera angles over several days. How could that be rape?]

DiCaprio: Exactly! I mean I was the one who kept telling the director we needed to do it again.

Katow-Jo: Mrrrrffftt-Grrrrowerlllllllerfft-fft! [Subtitles: Yeah! At one point I turned to Leo and said, “This isn’t about the movie anymore? Is it?”]

—Jonah Goldberg’s latest G-File, from this past Friday.

—Block of headlines at the Drudge Report today.

Posted at 5:32 pm by Ed Driscoll