Election 2020

10 Things We'll Miss About 'Gifted Storyteller' Elizabeth Warren


Elizabeth Warren took a bow, grabbed her hat, and left the arena on Thursday. The day before she left the 2020 presidential race, Bernie Sanders said he might be able to find a place for her in his administration should he survive the primary and beat President Trump.

What will we miss about her? Will it be the high priestess of the Church of the Perpetually Aggrieved’s quivering voice of barely contained anger and rage? Hard to say. Will it be her habit of smart rainbow-colored jackets over her black pants and top that she wore nearly every day on the campaign trail? Could be. Will it be her awkwardness at eating corn dogs at the Iowa Fair? How about her being a “gifted storyteller” as The New York Times called her in its endorsement of her?

Where to begin?

Here are the top ten things I’ll miss about Elizabeth Warren on the campaign trail. See if you agree.

“I’m Gonna Get Me a Beer”

Warren’s attempts to make herself, a Harvard professor-turned-U.S. senator, relatable fell flat when she announced woodenly to her livestream audience on Instagram, “Wait a sec, I’m gonna get me a beer.” She swigged it as if mimicking Lucille Ball in an old I Love Lucy rerun, and then – amazeballs! – her husband Bruce was actually home and made an awkward cameo. She would never hear the end of it.

“Gifted Storyteller” Part One

Writer and conservative media figure Mark Steyn called Elizabeth Warren “the first cigar store Indian to run for president.”

Indeed, Warren dined out her entire adult professional life by telling anyone who would care, especially Harvard University, that her “Papaw” said their family’s “high cheekbones” verified their Cherokee pedigree. The pale Warren was advertised as Harvard’s “first woman of color” on their law school staff. Alas, the DNA showed that Warren was between 1/64 and 1/1024 Native American, though it took the mainstream media a while to catch up to her real bloodline. She apologized to the Cherokee Nation for cultural appropriation.

Dog Selfies.

Warren boasted of taking more than 100,000 selfies with people. She has made this a big deal on the campaign trail. And, when Warren was taken off the campaign trail by the presidential impeachment shenanigans, her dog Bailey took over the selfie detail, with mixed results. Bailey is a very good smiler.

“Gifted Storyteller” Part 2

Warren introduced to the campaign a tale of woe from her past. The oft-repeated legend about being fired for being “visibly pregnant” as a teacher was belied by her own version of the story told in 2007 and by actual data such as the contract the district offered her which, granted, was for a two-day-a-week job and which she turned down. She was put on the substitute teachers list. Her resignation was “accepted with regret.

Transgender Kid Will Select Secretary of Education

You may have heard about this and said, “naw, she didn’t say that.” And if you thought that, you’d be wrong. In her zeal to be all things to all people, as presidential candidates are wont to do, Warren pandered to the transgender community by promising that as president, “I’m gonna have a secretary of Education that this young trans person interviews on my behalf and only if this person believes that our secretary of Education nominee is committed to creating a welcoming environment, a safe environment and a full educational curriculum for everyone, will that person actually be advanced to be secretary of Education.” Sure, let’s by all means have confused kids choose the cabinet.

“Gifted Storyteller” Part 3

Warren began telling the story on the campaign trail last January that her socialist senatorial colleague and presidential candidate, Bernie Sanders, had told her in confidence that a woman couldn’t be president. She used it as a zinger during a debate. Sanders said he’d never said such a thing and called her and her staff liars. “Lieawatha,” as she’s sometimes known, took great umbrage. “I think you called me a liar on national TV,” she said as live mics caught the exchange following the debate. In the political game of rock-paper-scissors, aggrieved victim – even fake ones – beats sexist pig every time. But Bernie wasn’t having it. What you now hear is the sound of that story flying off the cliff and dying as it bounced from narrative crushing boulder to narrative crushing boulder and coming to rest in an angry, perpetual eddy.


Half My Cabinet Will Be Women

She said it, thus telling half of the population that their qualifications didn’t matter.

“Our government officials can best serve the American public when they reflect the diversity of the country itself. The federal government does a dismal job on diversity and inclusion,”  she wrote.

What if a man of an unpopular color is better qualified for a position? Doesn’t matter. Repeat after Liz,
“Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength. Diversity is our strength.”

“I Have a Plan for That”

Sure, they may not have made sense or were theoretically impossible, but Elizabeth Warren wrote stuff down and always delivered a plan – any plan – to solve the world’s ills.



Thank You

She may have the personality of a night nurse, but Liz made a point of calling small donors and thanking them.



President Trump Calling Her Names

Oh, come on, who are we kidding? As the president has now done for years and will continue to do, he will take every opportunity to call Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas” and a “fake Indian.”

It was a great time, Fauxcahontas. Good luck in the future. Now, I think I’m gonna get me a beer and remember.