My Dear Fellow Millennials,
We were born between 1987 and now, so we are facing our first, second, or third presidential election. I hear a lot of you are trying to decide between Hillary Clinton and Bernie Sanders. You might be thinking, “I like the sound of Bernie’s policies.” He promises free health care, free college, and a higher minimum wage, all while getting money out of politics and living up to the liberal establishment’s unfulfilled promises. If this is socialism, it sounds pretty good, right? Similar policies have never failed in other countries (no, never). And he’s a really likable guy, a genuinely avuncular fellow, despite the grating New York accent.
Wait, maybe the raspy, nasal sound of indignation comforts you? Well, I can’t help you with that. But let’s be real: as a millennial in the Democrat primary, should you vote for Sanders?
Yes. Absolutely. Feel the Bern. Let me explain why in the language we millennials understand – a 13-reason listicle.
13. Bernie will ensure we love what we have – by ensuring we have less.
When you raise taxes on businesses and trade, sellers will pass on those costs to us. Everything we buy will be more expensive, from jeans and coffee, to organic fruit and earbuds. But you know, nothing makes you appreciate what you buy faster than paying more for it (see, e.g., Whole Foods). And never mind that higher prices are a regressive tax on the poorest Americans.
12. Bernie will make life simpler.
When every dollar in your bank account buys you fewer things, you will have fewer choices. When his environmental regulations make driving more expensive, choosing where to go out won’t really be a problem anymore. Think of all the FOMO Sanders will relieve: no one will be posting jealousy-inducing Instagram pics because no one you know will be able to afford their squad goals. #nofilter
11. Jobs are like chores, and with Bernie, we won’t have as many jobs to do.
We all know that if you get a bigger apartment, you have more floor to mop. And if you don’t own a car, you don’t have to clean a car. That principle extends to the country, too, which is why the Tax Foundation estimates Bernie’s tax plan will cut 6 million jobs and significantly reduce wages. If you don’t have an economy, well, that’s less upkeep, with fewer jobs to do.
10. Everyone will get to play in the Hunger Games.
With a higher minimum wage and higher taxes, your boss might not be able to afford to pay both you and that guy you hate at work. So your boss will have to pick which of the two will stay. May the odds be ever in your favor.
9. Bernie-nomics will solve illegal immigration.
No one will risk crossing the desert to come to the United States when there aren’t any jobs here.
8. Bernie will make us happier.
When you get your college debt forgiven and a raise at Starbucks without doing anything more than voting, millions of millennials will get a little taste of PowerBall, politics-style. Never mind earned success. Bernie will finally show us that happiness is something you are given by somebody else, not something you work for.
7. Bernie will help America learn valuable lessons about our Constitution.
We didn’t really need to debate the meaning of “take care that the laws be faithfully executed” until President Obama stopped executing our immigration laws. If you thought Dodd-Frank and Obamacare caused too much litigation, just think of anyone rich enough to hire a lawyer who stands to lose under Bernie’s policies. They will sue. President Sanders is a trial lawyer’s wildest dream-come-true.
6. By the looks of him, the 74-year-old Bernie is on the edge.
He might teach American school children the constitutional process for what happens when the commander-in-chief keels over.
5. Vote Bernie to show Americans real gridlock.
There’s basically no chance any of his policies get enacted without looking like Swiss cheese, filled with corporate carve-outs and loopholes, especially since he’s never been a major executive in his life and has less foreign policy knowledge than Tina Fey impersonating a hockey mom. If you think there’s too much lobbying, too much money influencing politics now, wait until the monetary consequences of government policy are even larger.
4. Vote for Bernie because you really like the guy.
You might be thinking, “OK, so he can’t actually achieve anything but failed socialism, but I really like him.” He’s got a great personality. And from dating to voting, personality is all that really matters. After all, the job of a president isn’t to use foreign policy or executive experience to keep us secure and prosperous. It’s to go on late night comedy and remind us: it could always be worse. Come on! Bernie is practically Larry David, after all.
3. You want to stick it to the corporate banks.
Vote Bernie to show America that Clinton is a corporate banking tool who has happily exchanged big checks for Bubba’s protection, erm, speeches.
2. He’s not Hillary Clinton.
Vote Bernie to expose Hillary Clinton to the embarrassment of losing to someone with hair worse than Donald Trump’s.
1. You want Republicans to win in 2016.
Finally, the longer the Democratic nomination is a divided fight between an ancient tool of the Democratic fundraising establishment who has been plagued by an email security breach scandal and is bound to failed doctrinaire policies of the past – and Hillary Clinton – the more I like the odds for the Republican Party. Vote Bernie to help conservatives and limited government constitutionalists win.
A Concerned Millennial